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Tweety Camera’s Twits of the Week: Owen, Altidore, Lansbury, Lineker, Kamara

By Jonny Abrams

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Tweety Camera's Twits of the Week: Owen, Altidore, Lansbury, Lineker, KamaraHello everyone! I’m former Liverpool and West Ham United forward Tweety Camera, and I’m a right nosy so-and-so.

All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the following Twits do not necessarily reflect my own – signed Tweety Camera, formerly of Liverpool and West Ham United

Hello everyone! Have you been enjoying this supreme week of top-quality football? I know I have. My old Anfield teammate Michael Owen even got spruced up for the occasion…

If you say so, Michael! LOL! I worked with you ten years ago and you were such a whipppersnapper back then. Me, I still look exactly the same, but that’s because I’ve always looked 45.

LOL! I started balding at the age of 7 so I’m all too sympathetic with your plight. What do you think of Michael’s new haircut, Joey?

LOLOLOLOL!!!! I’ll tell you who’s got an interesting hairline – Arsenal’s new Spaniard, what’s his name?

Yes, that’s him! Very severe hairline for someone so classy. Straight as an arrow, a bit like my famous winner at Highbury in 2000.

You know who pulls off the receding hairline with real panache?

LOL! Is that what you’re calling him after his brace for Fulham against West Bromwich Albion in last Saturday’s Craven Cottage clash? Very clever as usual, Gary!

But yes, I was indeed going to nominate Dimitar Berbatov. He’s like an even sexier Niles Crane.

Don’t tell Mrs Camera I said that! LOL! Who’s the lucky lady on your arm, Kammy?

I won’t tell Mrs Kamara as long as you don’t LOLOLOLOLOL!!! Sorry, I’m so amused I couldn’t even finish that sentence. Fortunately I’ve not lost my sense of humour since taking up my official capacity as sports minister of my native Guinea. Sometimes people forget who they are after years in a particular industry, a bit like Telford United striker Darren Byfield…

That’s not nice, Darren – Clinton just wants to be your friend. It can be very hurtful when you lash out like that – I remember Christian Dailly calling me a “pleb” because I rang his house gone midnight asking him how to make the perfect spag bol. He made such great spag bol, but that late-night broadside led to a falling-out which dictated that I never again got to taste his delicious meaty bol.

LOL! Didn’t mean for it to come out quite like that!

LOLOLOL!!! That neither! LOLOLOL!!! Hang on, Doncaster Rovers winger David Cotterill is on the line. Yes, David?

Don’t be so quick to judge, David – not everyone is good at…erm…what do you call it?…

LOL! I see you share a catchphrase with Kammy – but was it an #unbelievable borne of fond joshing or genuine exasperation?

I’m forgetting words all over the place at the moment. Personally I blame the hash brownies. I keep seeing Mr Benn everywhere as well – very strange!

LOL!

LOLOL!!

LOLOLOL!!!

*Gasp!* I’ve got to get to the shop! Have a great weekend, everybody!

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

Tune in every Thursday for more from Football Burp’s very own Tweety Camera!