Tweety Camera’s Twits of the Week!

Tweety Camera

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Tweety Camera's Twits of the Week!Hello everyone! I’m former Liverpool and West Ham United forward Tweety Camera, and I’m a right nosy so-and-so.

All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the following Twits do not necessarily reflect my own – signed Tweety Camera, formerly of Liverpool and West Ham United

Hello Ryan, and indeed all of you! It’s been a strange week of football, hasn’t it? Cardiff City’s owners want to change the team’s colours from blue to red, Andy Carroll is suddenly the favourite to lead the line for England at the Euros, and Whitby Town defender Mark Robinson laid bare his inability to separate computer games from real life…

LOL! Don’t worry Mark, I’m sure the little ‘un is still pottering about somewhere! Looks like Jordan Stewart is another who’s been skirting the fine line between reality and make-believe…

Funny you should say that Jordan, because the other night I dreamt that I was launching a clothing label with Joleon Lescott after being released by Millwall. I thought that was pretty weird until I saw this twit of yours, so fair enough – I look forward to the dream where I play for Skoda Xanthi alongside Nathan Ellington! Anyway, gather round folks, Norwich City midfielder Elliott Bennett’s talking about going to the cinema…

It’s true that people do seem to like going to the cinema – as far as I know, it really started to take off around the beginning of the 20th Century, when Edwin S. Porter’s twelve-minute masterpiece The Great Train Robbery started screening at the first purpose-built movie theatres – but I can’t agree with your assertion that there’s nothing worse than going and the film is rubbish. I’d argue that it’s much worse to not score in fourteen games for West Ham United, or for your son to be killed by a giant turtle. I’m sure Everton captain Phil Neville would back me up here.

I went through a spell of calling people bro a lot. Patrik Berger seemed to find it pretty cool, at least at first, but it all came to a bit of a head when I tried to apologise to Dominic Matteo for a misplaced pass and he span around and, in front of everyone, screamed, “I’m not your f**king bro, bro!” right in my face. In retrospect, I think I lost the dressing room there. Still, at least I’ve never done this…

LOL! Well, I did once try frying an egg on an east London pavement during the European heatwave of 2003, but I just ended up with egg on my face, so to speak. We all have our egg-shaped crosses to bear, Leroy. Anyway, who likes to laugh?

LOL!

LOL! Nice one, bro!

So that’s why you didn’t get back to me about my screenplay idea – “Two Lads Who Shook the Kop at Various Times in the Last Ten Years”. It’s a hit, I tell you.

Erm…LOL!

LOL!

Gerard Houllier once called me Mike Tyson, but I think he did actually think I was Mike Tyson. Fair’s fair, we were both pretty sozzled, and I had just bitten Vegard Heggem’s ear.

David Moyes? LOL! Only joking, Phil!

LOL! Rio, I keep telling you, you should move into stand-up. Those England ‘merks’ only hinted at your comedy potential – this twit, though, is worthy of Michael McIntyre himself. I can’t give any higher praise than that. What do you think, Kiernan Hughes-Mason, recently of Grimsby Town?

No? I’ll try you again later, Kiernan. I’ll leave you all with this gem of a juxtaposition that appeared on my Twitter timeline. Enjoy…

Jordan Stewart and Tosan Popo

LOLOLOLOLOL! Have a good weekend, everybody!

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