Does exactly what it says on the, er, headline…here’s the weekend that just was, as summarised for you by professional footballers and their incessant tweeting!
Piss-Take of the Weekend…
Phil Neville, Everton
Was selected for random drug test after game took me 2 hrs to pee drunk 5 bottles of water-team bus left without me thanks lads!!!
— phil neville18 (@fizzer18) December 22, 2012
Salt-Rubbed Wound of the Weekend…
Phil Neville, Everton
Bloody train left without me too!!!!! twitter.com/fizzer18/statu…
— phil neville18 (@fizzer18) December 22, 2012
Lack of Sympathy of the Weekend…
Joleon Lescott, Manchester City
@fizzer18 ha. Get the thumb out Nev.
— Joleon Lescott (@JoleonLescott) December 22, 2012
Inference of Untruthfulness on Someone Else’s Part of the Weekend…
Demba Ba, Newcastle United
I would love to see people’s nose grow like pinocchio when they lie.
— Demba Ba (@dembabafoot) December 8, 2012
Botched Attempt at Spelling a Foreign Player’s Name of the Weekend…
Rodney Marsh, ex-Manchester City, Queens Park Rangers and Fulham
Proboniak is going to have to be introduced to the rest of the Reading team at HT
— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) December 22, 2012
Social Media Triumph of the Weekend…
Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United and Robbie Savage, ex-Leicester City, Birmingham City, Blackburn Rovers, Crewe Alexandra and Derby County
#FriendshipsMadeOnTwitter me & @robbiesavage8 !! Hated u before twitter…this platform brought us closer fella!!
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) December 22, 2012
Social Media Failure of the Weekend…
Some chump or other
@rioferdy5 @robbiesavage8 Your both a pair of gays if you ask me
— Cross (@CrossMagic) December 22, 2012
Semi-Coherent Babble of the Weekend…
Raheem Sterling, Liverpool
Gd be back tweeps so happy get everything over n done with so happy be such club like Liverpool
— raheem sterling (@sterling31) December 23, 2012
Player Most in Need of a Thesaurus of the Weekend…
Ryan Bennett, Norwich City
Sounded like a great game! We have had unbelievable last 10 games that can’t go unnoticed! All boys done unbelievable every week
— Ryan Bennett (@ryanbennett_22) December 22, 2012
Gripe of the Weekend…
Robert Huth, Stoke City
Stoke fans need to be nocturnal to see us on match of the day #alwayslastmatch
— robert huth (@robert_huth) December 22, 2012
Simple Answer to Gripe of the Weekend of the Weekend…
Opta Joe
1.56 – Stoke’s league matches this season have seen fewer goals per game than those of any other team in Europe’s big five leagues. Drab.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) December 22, 2012
Incongruous Invocation of Cult American New Wave Band of the Weekend…
Sean Morrison, Reading
Devvooo for the boys and travelling fans …
— sean morrison (@seanmorrison_91) December 22, 2012
Mass Compliment of the Weekend…
David Meyler, Sunderland
Brilliant result for Sunderland. Fans looked fantastic as usual, now onto Man City Stephens Day #hawaythelads
— DM (@DavidMeyler) December 22, 2012
Player-on-Supporter Smackdown of the Weekend…
Darren Huckerby, ex-Norwich City
This guy on canary call is on another planet, can’t keep a lead? 10 games unbeaten you mad man #canarycall
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) December 22, 2012
Player-on-Supporter Smackdown of the Weekend II…
Darron Gibson, Everton
“@gavlar_04: @d_gibson4 Ye didn’t deserve the win ref screwed us shit from state to end” u been smokin crack or somethin m8???
— Darron Gibson (@D_gibson4) December 22, 2012
“Stop Watching the News, Then” of the Weekend…
Reece Wabara, Manchester City
Sick and tired of the politics
— Reece Wabara (@ReeceWabara) December 22, 2012
Least Amusing Parody Account of the Weekend…
Bad Balotelli
The world must have ended yesterday because we almost drew Reading and Barry scored wow
— Mario Balotelli(@BADBalotelli) December 22, 2012
Bitch of the Weekend…
Steven Reid, West Bromwich Albion
Charlotte Church annoying me on Jonathan Ross! #whatshecomeas
— STEVEN REID (@stevenreid12) December 22, 2012
Unpleasant Imagery/Borderline Homophobia of the Weekend…
Bryan Gunn, ex-Norwich City
“@oliverdowie: Interesting quote from Big Iain – “I’m not frightened of being gay.”” Knew he had it in him!#nomorebendingoverforgimme‘s
— Bryan James Gunn (@MrGunny1963) December 22, 2012
Rampant Euphemism Deployment of the Weekend…
Graham Stack, Barnet
Thai? Or Indian? Training tomorrow so gonna go Thai! Don’t want a #DodgyBelly #RingSting #StomachCramps #RingOfFire #PebbleDash #FollowThrus
— Graham Stack (@GrahamStack1) December 22, 2012
Fan-on-Player Smackdown of the Weekend…
Tony Manock
@grahamstack1 shame you don’t consider what you eat to avoid verbal diarrhoea
— Tony Manock (@tony1885mfc) December 22, 2012
Existentialist of the Weekend…
Nicklas Bendtner, Juventus
living between stars and dust
— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) December 23, 2012
Robbie Savage Diss of the Weekend…
Steve Sidwell, Fulham
I’m not having this blonde bird on motd. And I don’t mean gabby either !
— Steve Sidwell (@sjsidwell) December 22, 2012
Bizarro Maths of the Weekend…
Steven McGarry, Perth Glory
Buy of the season.. Michu!! 2 million quid.. that’s 17 1/2 Andy Carrolls #onfire
— steven mcgarry (@stevenmcgarry) December 23, 2012
Dutch-Winger-Based Rhyming Slang of the Weekend…
Steve Froggatt, ex-Aston Villa, Wolverhampton Wanderers and Coventry City
Rooney is having a Regi Blinker!
— Steve Froggatt (@SteveFroggy) December 23, 2012
Lad of the Weekend…
Julian Dicks, ex-West Ham United
1 of many. twitter.com/JULIAN3DICKS/s…
— Julian Dicks (@JULIAN3DICKS) December 23, 2012
Football Manager Legend/Burger Combo of the Weekend…
Lionel Morgan, ex-Wimbledon
Ahhh yeah ! This burger is gonna get destroyed. Chilli beef with cheese. twitter.com/lionel_morgan/…
— Lionel Morgan (@lionel_morgan) December 23, 2012
Hash-Tag-Getting-Slightly-Carried-Away-With of the Weekend…
Wally Downes, ex-Wimbledon
as a coach (ex as we speak) you must never coach something that is not within the laws of the game!#integrityiscriticalineducation
— wally downes (@wal10) December 22, 2012
cant help thinking thatsavageis smothered in lovebites beneath his roll neck on motd! #selfinflictedaswell
— wally downes (@wal10) December 22, 2012
dont know any team that would wanna go to anfield without their top boy! especially fulham! #iffyontheroadandnosidwell
— wally downes (@wal10) December 22, 2012
2 full backs not attacking the ball on the back post tonight, go and head it fellas then they cant jump all over you .#getupearlyandattackit
— wally downes (@wal10) December 22, 2012
Fiction Non-Recognition of the Weekend…
Gabriele Marcotti, The Times
yes!!! Rocky is about to take on Ivan Drago on ITV4!!! He’s pulled out unlikely upsets before, not sure he can do it this time…
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
Uh-oh, looks like a hostile reception for Rocky…
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
Just noticed Rocky’s trainer has blood on his shirt. And it’s still the first round.
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
Wait… did we just see someone in the crowd dressed like Captain Birdseye?
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
Rocky just cut Drago.That could give him a psychological edge!
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
Wow. I don’t believe what I just saw. Ivan Drago is out for the count. Gorbachev looks annoyed.
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
This Moscow crowd can’t help but be inspired and impressed by Rocky’s resilience! They respect him!
— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) December 23, 2012
That was the weekend that just was – see you next time, everyone!