Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Southall, Cahill, Savage, Barton, James, Lee

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Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. Have we got a show for you this week! We’ve got a Leicester City full-back admitting that he and his teammates are advanced cyborgs…

…a Manchester City legend ‘milking’ a gag at Per Mertesacker’s expense…

…Peterborough United’s most easily pleased player…

…a former Wales midfielder revealing his dream dinner party line-up…

…an Everton legend struggling to get to grips with tweeting…

…not to mention predictive text…

‘Ere, Nev lad – have you still got your gloves on? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! If you’re looking for a crash course in how to navigate Twitter, you could do worse than consult the medium’s most eminent maniac, Joey Barton…

‘Ere, Joey lad – is this you?

Joey Barton in a tank
Img: Paul Hermans

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Too kind, folks, too kind. ‘Ere, has anyone been doing Movember? I thought about it, but the missus has me beat hands down.

Thank you, thank you. Speaking of Movember, it seems former England goalkeeper David James is a keen advocate – depending on how you read this appraisal, that is…

‘Ere, Jamo lad – how can you tell when it’s not in the picture? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Bit of smut for you there, folks. ‘Ere, have you seen this lass?

Went to a party as England’s Number 1 last night @thedavidseaman twitter.com/alison5809/sta…

— Alison Range (@alison5809) November 18, 2012

Gotta feel pleased for whoever her fella is – I reckon she’s a keeper!

You like that one eh, ladies and gents? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! It’s how you tell ’em – if you get the timing wrong, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Speaking of setting yourself up for a fall, have a look at this tweet from Crystal Palace defender Peter Ramage talking about his teammate Wilfried Zaha…

‘Ere, Pete lad – I reckon he’s still none the wiser! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! ‘Ere, how about this shocker of a rumour from former Norway striker Jan Aage Fjortoft?

‘Ere, Jan lad – I’ve asked the mother-in-law, and she won’t rule out signing for Spurs either!

She’s got dementia, dodgy knees and a bad back, but I’ve definitely seen Bendtner miss chances that she’d have put away no problem. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Thanks folks, too kind. You know, I think up all my jokes myself – I’m not like that Guillem Balague, taking the credit for other people’s work…

‘Ere, Guillem lad – that’s like saying you’re proud of Tim Cahill getting Matt Lucas’s autograph!

See? We’ve all got our heroes, don’t we ladies and gentlemen? Just ask veteran Stoke City goalie Carlo Nash…

‘Ere, Carlo lad – how long did he play for, “All Night Long”?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has he “Still” got it, then?

I can’t move on here, Carlo lad – looks like I’m “Stuck on You”!

Er…”Hello”?

Hmmm…once, twice, four times a failure! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! ‘Ere, did you know that Roberto Martinez thinks his Wigan Athletic side is a PlayStation game?

‘Ere, Roberto lad – is it the Y button to play a through ball?

Back in the game! What do I win?

Cheers, fella. Where should I pick her up from? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Speaking of family, I see the Dalglishes had a get together…

Careful, Kenny lad – that’s a slippery slope! Speaking of slippery slopes, did you see Michael Owen launching his new career as a Match of the Day pundit?

Painful enough to keep him sidelined for another month, I’d wager!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Hang about, Soccer AM have a question for us…

‘Ere, Soccer AM – I once caught her watching your show!

Tell me about it, Rodders! ‘Ere, how was the City match?

Don’t say that, Rodders – most of the Villa side are only little ‘uns, you’ll hurt their feelings.

See? Now that Lineker, he’s got jokes that all the family can enjoy…

‘Ere, Gary lad – did they hit the woodwork?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, folk!

What the hell was that??

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!

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