Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Luiz, Bendtner, Pienaar, Saha, Pacheco, Ameobi, Jerome

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Neil Warnock

Hello again, folks. Are you enjoying the Olympics? Former Swindon Town and Middlesbrough striker Jan Aage Fjortoft’s been keeping a keen eye on developments…

I’ve got “No Reply” to that one!

Thank you, thank you. You know, building a whole new stadium for the Olympics seems like a bit of a waste to me. I mean, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”

You’re too kind! Tell you what, I was gutted when Stuart Pearce got the gig managing the Great Britain team. When they sent out the email asking for applicants, I replied saying “Please Please Me”!

Oh, you “Love Me Do”! “P.S. I Love You” too. In fact, you’re such a lovely audience, I’d love to take you home with me.

I’d love to take you home!

Thank you, thank you. To be fair to Pearcey, I thought he selected Cleverley.

Hmm. Quit while you’re ahead, eh? Should have remembered that when I got Sheffield United and Queens Park Rangers promoted.

Oi, you weren’t supposed to laugh at that! I don’t know, I really don’t. At least former Watford, Crystal Palace and Barnsley striker Bruce Dyer’s on good form…

Why are you thanking Jesus, Bruce? Did he supply you with the crosses?

BAM, back onside! That’s showmanship for you, folks. Know your lines inside out – don’t get caught out like West Bromwich Albion defender Steven Reid…

I’ve checked and that is indeed how you spell UAE!

Thank you ladies and gents, you’re too kind. You know, I’m really starting to like you lot – but Newcastle United starlet Samuel Ameobi likes you more…

Must be that viagra I slipped into your Lucozade!

Not up for a bit of smut, eh? Come on, it wasn’t that bad. I’ll admit I can be a bit inconsistent though – what do you think, Nile Ranger?

The wife says I change like seasons, but that’s because I only switch pants every three months!

You like the self-deprecating material, eh?

Well tough, I’ve got my pride, you know. I may be a bit rough around the edges but there’s nowt wrong with a bit of earthy charm, I say. If you want a bit of culture, film recommendations and whatnot, you should ask Welling United striker Kiernan Hughes-Mason – he’s a bit of a film buff. Seen anything good lately, Kiernan?

Sorry to hear that, give him my regards.

Waheeeey! Seen anything good yourself, Stoke City forward Cameron Jerome?

Cameron lad, if you’re trying to engage a cartoon in banter than you’ve as much chance of success as your lot have of finishing top half this season!

Er…unless of course you’re exchanging playful put-downs with some bloke in your bed, although I’d question his ‘family guy’ credentials if he’s snuggled up with a Premier League forward.

Okay, let’s leave that one. I can feel the self-doubt creeping in. I’ll tell you who doesn’t lack for confidence though – Arsenal forward Nicklas Bendtner…

Hurdy gurdy shmurdy bork bork bork!

What, that’s not funny anymore? Come on folks, that one used to raise the roof before the PC brigade had their way!

Fine, fine. Wonder what Louis Saha’s up to now he’s been released by Tottenham Hotspur

Eh Louis, have you ever noticed how the French word for chicken comprises of the two things it does with its arse? Poo, lay!

SA-HAAAAAAA!

You know, it’s easy to criticise, but you’re not the one on stage here. I’m working the big time here, you’re just another crowd to me. In other words…

Funny you should say that, Luke – just the other day I was indeed talking about being a youth team player at Middlesbrough!

Google him, folks. But like I was saying, I work bloody hard up here. You’ve no idea of the hours I put in trying to be a top-class entertainer. It’s a hard slog – isn’t that right, Barnet defender Jack Saville?

Except for…ah, what’s the name of that back alley leading to that whatsitcalled, where the young ladies remove their thingies…

Eh? Why are you laughing? I botched that one all ends up.

Oh, I see, I get it now. You were laughing at ‘back alley’.

And ‘all ends up’.

See, I’m funny without even realising it! It’s good to be back – a sentiment I know Chelsea defender David Luiz can relate to…

You live on a bridge? Or did you wander too far out of the back four again?

Thank you, thank you. Right, any questions?

Aye, cut those bloody corn rows off!

You’re a funny lot, you know that? Anyway, it’s time to round up this week’s funniest footballers, starting with Peterborough United defender Gabriel Zakuani…

Ha! Ha! Now for Stockport County youngster Jon Nolan…

Ha! Ha! Ha! As would we all, Jon. Give us what you’ve got, former Leeds United and England full-back Tony Dorigo…

That’s chucklesome, Tony. Now for my own personal turn of phrase of the week, courtesy of Bruce Dyer…

Talking in tongues! We’ve all been there, haven’t we folks? I’ll leave you with this week’s most schizophrenic footballer, Liverpool’s Spanish youngster Daniel Pacheco…

That’s yer lot, folks! Goodnight!

Tune in every now and then for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!

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