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Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Konchesky, Marsh, Boateng, Puyol, Routledge

By Jonny Abrams

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Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. Have we got a show and a half for you this week – we’ve got an Arsenal starlet falling victim to NHS cuts…

…a Leicester City full-back in dire need of a thesaurus…

…a former US international turned fence-sitting weatherman…

…the world’s vaguest rage…

…the world’s lamest (sorry, Chuba lad) Q&A…

…and a former Queens Park Rangers, Fulham and Manchester City striker on what he got up to this weekend…

‘Ere, Rodney lad, I could use a good chuckle after seeing my lads go down 6-1 to Watford at Elland Road on Saturday – tell us a joke, will yer?

I think I’ve heard this one. Is it the same number as their average attendance? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Tell us another, Rodney lad.

Easy, this: “I’m sorry, John, I didn’t mean to injure you.”

Thank you, folks, too kind. Cheers, Rodders!

No, lad.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Sardines? Well oil be damned!

Er…moving swiftly on, can any talented yet troubled youngsters tell me who won the US Presidential elections?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! You’re a right pair, you two, but it’s good to see today’s youth with their finger on the pulse. Everton’s Luke Garbutt can always be relied upon for cutting-edge political commentary – what are your thoughts, Luke lad?

‘Ere, Luke lad – “boom” is exactly how I’d like to see that show end!

Thank you, thank you. A lot of young ‘uns in the audience, I see – what was your highlight of the weekend, Manchester City’s Reece Wabara?

‘Ere, Reece lad – I reckon it were right jammy!

Er…you know, like damson jam. “Damn son.” Jammy as in ‘lucky’.

No?

Anyone?

Hmmm. The wife laughed her curlers right out at that one. No accounting for taste, eh? Let’s hear from some of the older folks in the audience. Yes, former Coventry City, Aston Villa and Middlesbrough midfielder George Boateng?

‘Ere, George lad – try www.couldntgiveamonkeys.com! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Oh, come on – stop being so sensitive, you lot. What do you reckon to this lot, Rodders?

‘Ere, Rodders – I’ll pick up some gin and see you down there!

What’s wrong with you lot? It’s all a bit of fun, us old-school comedian types don’t mean any harm with our casual misogyny. Just check out this Hull City striker…

You tell ’em, laddy!

Well, that seems as good a note as any to end on. Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next time, ladies and gents!

Oh, bore off.

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!