Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Friedel, Gilberto, Fletcher, Cattermole, Dorrans, Pennant

Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. I’ve got some great material for you lot tonight, from homoerotic innuendo…

…to schizophrenia…

…through first world problems…

…even taking in anatine necrophilia – but more on that one later. How about that Cattermole, eh? He always gets a bit frisky when he’s been at the whiskey.

Eh, Lee lad – you’re going to get your lengthiest ban to date if you’re not careful!

Er…you know, folks – it’s a reference to the fact that Lee picks up more cards than a street cleaner tidying up after a tramps’ Christmas party!

Yeah, you like that one, don’t you, you callous blighters? Now, did you see that…oi, who’s talking at the back?

I’ve told you before, Dorrans, I’m not Michael sodding McIntyre. How many sides has he got promoted from the Championship? Deary me. You’ve been ignorant, disrespectful and out of order there.

Yes he was, “Bradley” – you tell ’em. Or should I say “Hugo, girl!”?

Thank you, thank you. I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, there’s no rhyme nor reason with some folk. As opposed to Cockney rhyming slang, that is, which has both rhyme and reason.

Eh, Jay lad – what’s Cockney rhyming slang for “pretentious Scouser”?

Thank you, too kind. You know, patois is a bit of a theme this week – check out this curiously articulated instance of shoe lust from Sunderland goal machine Steven Fletcher…

Eh, Steven lad – is it because they’re sick that they’re all green?

‘Ere, Ravel lad – was it Papiss Cisse’s penalty?

Thank you, thank you.

I see what happened here – a Liverpool fan said they’d qualify for the Champions League and what you saw was a pig flying!

Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool and Newcastle? Maybe all the permatans created an aurora effect!

You might say it gives a new meaning to the phrase ‘northern lights’!


‘Ere, Jermaine – knowing what he’s like, you’d best check he’s not at your gaff when you’re off on away trips!

Thanks, Justin lad. Does anyone have any questions about how much better a comedian I am than other members of the football community?

He just hasn’t worked hard enough on his material, and his timing is all over the place.

That wasn’t meant to be a gag, ladies and gents. There’s no need for the tumbleweed.

Thank you, thank you. To end with, I bring you a selection of footballers’ tweets that truly reflect my own personal views of The X-Factor. Take it away, footballers…

Eh, Darren lad – what are you insinuating?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen – you’ve been wonderful!

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!