“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…
…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!
Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. Have we got a show for you this week – we’ve got players challenging each other to perform great feats of urination…
@craiggards8 All the best my mate! Looking forward to a 35 yard Gardner whizzle!
— Ben Foster (@BenFoster) October 21, 2012
…a former Liverpool forward being a condescending wonka…
Oh your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes? e__e
— Ryan Babel (@RyanBabel) October 21, 2012
…even a player being nicknamed after an obscure north-eastern tribute band…
Shola “Sunderland Slayer” Ameobi starts today for Newcastle ….. *Steven Taylor’s description not mine!!!
— Sam Matterface (@sammatterface) October 21, 2012
‘Ere, Sam lad – is there a Middlesbrough Mastodon, a Darlington Deftones and a Northumberland Nine Inch Nails?
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! I see John O’Shea was totally had off by some young ‘un before the game…
— Victoria Thompson (@trickydoodah) October 21, 2012
“Awwww”? He’s a right rascal! Not unlike young Sammy Ameobi, playing paparazzi at inopportune moments…
— Samuel Ameobi (@Sammy_Ameobi) October 21, 2012
…or this young troublemaker from West Bromwich Albion…
you just simply can’t fall asleep on the team coach and get away with it…
— George Thorne (@GeorgeThorne15) October 22, 2012
‘Ere, George lad – was it Kevin Keen or Keith Downing, and what did they have to say about it?
Thank you, folks. In the words of Khalid Boulahrouz…
May you have a blessed day, jumuah Mubarak
— khalid boulahrouz (@boulahrouz81) October 19, 2012
Of course, a Blessed day for me is one where I grow a beard and speak in a big, booming voice!
Are you saying ‘boo’ or ‘Boulahrouz’?
Oh, right then. Why boo?
Offensive, you say? To who – Khalid Boulahrouz or Brian Blessed?
You do one prick
— Fitz Hall (@aslfitzhall) October 21, 2012
Eh, come on lads – there’s no need for abuse, we’re just having a laugh. What’s still fair game for you lot? Can I still make jokes about players’ ability?
The assets I acquire hold no value in comparison to my life
— Nathan Eccleston(@NathanEccleston) October 19, 2012
So ‘free transfer’, then?
Yer’ve all gone soft! When did everyone go soft? What do you think, Joey lad?
What has happened to this once beautiful, grey and grizzly land. Britain seems to have gone ‘tits up’ since I left.
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) October 22, 2012
Now there speaks a man after my own heart.
He can’t have it, though, even if it did hand in a transfer request after last night’s fish supper!
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Back in the game, folks!
Wait a minute, I spy what’s going on here – it’s okay to make fun of yourself, but not anyone else. Is that right?
Er…in any case, most of us are oppressed one way or another – take it from this former Swansea City defender…
I don’t think you can tell a grown man to wear something if he doesn’t want to. What kind of dictatorship is that.
— Izzy Iriekpen (@Izzyiriekpen) October 21, 2012
‘Ere, Izzy lad – that’s called a marriage, that is!
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Good night, folks!