Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Dzeko, Defoe, Fletcher, Graham, Barkley, Sharp

Collections » Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Dzeko, Defoe, Fletcher, Graham, Barkley, Sharp

  • Share to Twitter
  • Share to Facebook
  • Share to Google+
  • Share to Google+
  • Share to WhatsApp

Neil Warnock

Hello again, folks! Just getting my Leeds United squad up and running for the new season. I’m told the Supporters’ Trust’s deal to buy the club looks to be back on, and thank goodness for that I say – I’ve been trawling through so much small print on their behalf these last few weeks I feel like a bloody barrister.

Eh, Oldham Athletic striker Robbie Simpson, I said “barrister”!

Thank you, thank you. Robbie and I have been working on a whole routine together – haven’t we, Robbie? How do you feel about how it’s gone so far?

Oi, show some bloody appreciation, lad. I turned down Noel Fielding to give you this part.

No, that’s this lot:

Quickly now Robbie, before you go, tell us your favourite band and your favourite onomatopeic word!

Robbie Simpson, everybody!

So what have you lot been up to this week?

That’s nice, So Solid Crew member and former AFC Wimbledon player Michael Harvey. Which one of you is John Virgo?

Yes, quite. Glad you enjoyed that, folks – I was all set to hail a taxi. Bit like this bloke…

Sorry Steven lad, but you won’t be of much use in a Martin O’Neill side if your head’s gone!

Alright, alright, calm down, Reading forward Andrew Little. Yeesh, hecklers, eh? Guess you can’t please everyone. If you like your comedy a little bit ‘edgier’ then there’s always journeyman striker Leon Knight…

The wife’s been putting some rolls on lately, and I’m not talking about deodorant!

Er…you know, like rolls of fat.

Harrumph. Moving on, I see Tottenham Hotspur and England striker Jermain Defoe has been doing a spot of meeting and greeting…

Eh, Jermaine – that’s the closest you’ll ever get to FIFA World Player of the Year!

Ah, look who’s back onside! Thank you, thank you. Now check out Swansea City striker Danny Graham’s rather curt response to the following critique…

J-j-just sm-sm-sm-smack it, l-l-lad!

Haven’t got a punchline for this one yet of course but, unlike Queens Park Rangers when they traded me in for that Father Ted-looking Welshman last season, I’m willing to be patient.

Alright Leon lad, this is my time now – get off the stage, the crowd are starting to get restless. Or at least young Everton midfielder Ross Barkley is…

Why did the cheese maker walk with a limp?

Because he only had one stilton!

Sorry, got that one off an ice lolly stick.

Yeah, well I’m not a Scouser, am I? Cheek toerag. Anyway, Manchester City centre-forward Edin Dzeko was retweeting all over the shop yesterday – some of them were a little bit disconcerting…

…while others were just plain surreal…

Massive city, eh? London? Beijing? Delhi?

You’re too kind folks, too kind! I’ll leave you with this open goal left by Southampton Striker Billy Sharp…

Play cricket!

Or you could trap it and give it to Portsmouth. I hear they could use a winger.

You’re not wrong there, Billy lad. See you next week, folks!

Tune in every Tuesday for Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!

Share this article

  • Share to Twitter
  • Share to Facebook
  • Share to Google+
  • Share to Google+
  • Share to WhatsApp

Follow Football Burp

  • Football Burp articles RSS feed
  • Like Football Burp on Facebook
  • Follow Football Burp on Google+
  • Follow Football Burp on Twitter

Latest 100