Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Cole, Ferdinand, Simpson, Danns, Wood, Davies

Neil Warnock
Hello again, folks! Is it just me or is everyone an expert on swimming and the javelin all of a sudden? Not that there’s anything wrong with trying something new – far from it. Just ask West Ham United centre-forward Carlton Cole…

Now now Carlton, that’s not a nice way to refer to Kevin Nolan.

It’s okay folks, Nolan’s not reading this.

Is he?

You know who could take your place? Loo-dek Miklosko!

Thank you, thank you. I had a few others lined up too: Daniel Potts, Pee Demel and Winston Weed!

I’ve really got to learn when to stop. Queens Park Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand – how did you bounce back from the embarrassment of this?

That’s nice, Anton. Recorder? Violin? What grades are they on?

Cheers, lads and ladies. It’s how you tell ’em! You know who could really use a music lesson? Yep, you guessed it: Newcastle United full-back Danny Simpson…

Chris Brown? He’s the one who released that smash hit, isn’t he? Hear he does a bit of music on the side!

What? You like Chris Brown? Or you don’t approve of wife-beating jokes?

You could be a bit more helpful, you know. Like this fella…

Aye, nothing gets past you, Danny lad. But was Rio Ferdinand making an intentional funny when he came out with this?

Yep. Good one, wasn’t it? If he meant it! I have my doubts. Rio lad, drop me a line at Neil, Leeds United, P/O Box Leeds – I might have a gig for you.

Some sad news now: it seems that bronze-winning Irish boxer Katie Taylor passed away midway through Leicester City midfielder Neil Danns’s tweet to former Crystal Palace, Norwich City and Coventry City forward Leon McKenzie …

Talk about a sudden adjustment – that’s like a newsreader putting a black tie on while announcing that a member of the royal family has just died!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you really are an odd lot. Still not as odd as young West Bromwich Albion striker Chris Wood, mind…

Alright, steady on folks – it’s not a Woody original! Finally, I give you this week’s Footballer Who Should Probably Never Go to Thailand…

That’s yer lot, folks! Arriveder-see ya!