Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Puyol, Pique, McGrath, Bendtner, Holden, Lalas

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Neil Warnock

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Morning, folks! Have you all washed behind your ears? I know I haven’t.

It’s been another exciting week of football, albeit some have been getting more worked up than others…

…it’s still early in the season, when everyone’s still dreaming…

…while others got so carried away they took to cross-dressing…

‘Ere, Carles lad – slap some lippy on as well and I’d have to say I’ve had worse!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Sorry folks, not the nicest imagery, I’ll grant you – just trying to freshen up my act a bit as a few of you have been writing in to complain about my “rampant stereotyping”, to quote one of you. Well, I’m all about self-improvement, me, so rest assured I’ll not be doing any more stereotyping from now on.

After all, I won’t need to as long as I’ve got retired Irish footballers to do it for me!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Go on lads, let’s have another…

Always nice when a player tees you up for an open goal. Get on this one, folks…

‘Ere, Nicklas – that’s because that’s how much you’re worth!

Thank you, thank you. I’ve been plying my trade for donkey’s years, from a young age. Not as young as Bruce Dyer’s lad, mind…

‘Ere, Brucey – how did he play?

Impressive, eh? I reckon the little ‘un deserves rewarding for progress like that, and what better way to combine gift-giving with motivation than with one of these babies?

That’s lush that is, lad. Give me an hour or two and I’ll post some snaps of my Brian Deane pencil case, David Batty biscuit tin and John Lukic ironing board!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Too kind, folks, too kind! That’s some original comedy for you, that is – I don’t just crib catchphrases off adverts like former Chelsea defender Frank Sinclair does…

Still scoring own goals I see, Frank! How’s the acid trip going, former US international Alexi Lalas?

Er…right. Things are getting weird now – I’d wonder if Alexi had spiked my Bovril, but I know when I’m tripping because for some reason I always see Spurs players in golf buggies.

Cripes! You saw that too, right? I don’t know what’s real any more.

‘Ere, Peter – which one’s you?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Now the LSD’s really starting to kick in, I’ll leave you with this week’s most effeminate footballer…

‘Ere, Zak lad – it’s in yer jeans!

Thank you folks, too kind. Oh, and here’s this week’s worst score prediction…

…and, finally, this week’s most curt reply, courtesy of former Manchester City player and chairman Franny Lee…

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, folks!

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!

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