Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner

By Jonny Abrams

· · · · · ·

Neil Warnock

Hello, folks! So, who’s going to get the Tottenham Hotspur job? Andre Villas-Boas? David Moyes? One thing’s for sure – Benoît Assou-Ekotto hasn’t got a scooby…

If you’re referring to the Publishers Licensing Society, I couldn’t tell you, Benoît lad. If you’re referring to Spurs…wait for it…

…it’s me!

Ha! Ha! Only pulling your collective leg, White Hart Lane faithful. Honestly, Villas-Boas is all done and dusted, this joke doesn’t even work any more. Must fire those writers, they’re really holding me back.

Now then, the other question that’s been on everyone’s mind: will Scottish centre-forward Steven Fletcher still be a Wolverhampton Wanderers player next season? Let’s have it straight from the horse’s…er, fingertips…

Who was serving you? Mick McCarthy?

Okay, okay. Jeez. Didn’t realise Big Mick was so popular with you guys. I’m sure he’ll find another job eventually. In the meantime, he could do with getting stuck into a good book. Any recommendations, Sunderland defender Titus Bramble?

You can come up with your own punchline for this one, folks!

Good grief, you lot don’t half love the audience participation aspects of my performance style! You were booing me only a minute ago. Don’t worry, though – Queens Park Rangers oddball Joey Barton has you beat hands down for fickleness…

Sick fanny, eh? That reminds me of when the wife had some ulceration on her vulva.

Hang on, folks, I haven’t got to the punchline yet. So anyway, the wife’s vulva was…

Do you just find it funny when I say vulva? Is that all you want me to do? Is that what this is going to be reduced to?

Fine. Vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, VULVA.

I don’t understand you lot, I really don’t. Now, I wonder if Gary Lineker’s having a nice holiday…

Crap in the pool, eh? Was it Stewart Downing?

Er…you know – Liverpool. Get it?

Blimey, where did that come from? Anyway, it’s time to bring you this week’s funniest player – namely former Charlton Athletic striker Tosan Popo…

Arsenal still have Chamkah, Bendtner and Gervinho to choose from up front, what’s all this noise about #RVP for? #TitleContenders

— Tosan Popo? (@tosan26) July 4, 2012

Thought you’d like that one, folks!

You know, people know me for my comedy but every now and then I like to tackle a serious issue or two. Perhaps Everton youngster Jon Nolan could explain better than I…

You see, every day there are approximately seven billion people NOT booting Piers Morgan in the face over and over again until he cries. This simply must be stopped. Give a hoot, folks. Give Piers Morgan a boot in the face.

You’ve been wonderful, folks. I best be off to talk to the police about inciting violence. Goodnight!