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Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man vs Football Writers, Various Publications and Periodicals

By Jonny Abrams

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Jonny Forumer
Allow me to introduce myself – I’m Jonny Forumer, internet hard man, and I’ve just about had it up to here with lazy journos tweeting absolute twaddle. I’m sure to always give them an online piece of my mind, which has proved instrumental in my retention of the Keyboard Warrior world title from 1998 through to present day. Basically, you’d have to be a sodding lunatic to take me on.

In the mean time, yelp with affright as I lay siege to the following journalists…

Martin Lipton, Daily Mirror Chief Football Writer

Oh really? At which particular Villa capitulation did you arrive upon this gauntlet-slamming insight, Martin? Do you also feel that Liverpool might be a touch reliant on Luis Suarez? Or that Arsene Wenger’s done a great job at Arsenal but he needs to end his trophy drought?

Perhaps you’d like to tell us, your entranced audience, that Robin van Persie was a shrewd signing by ‘Sir Alex’, or that you didn’t know much about Michu when he arrived at Swansea but my word what a steal he’s been for two million?

You utter twonk.

Rob Shepherd, ex-Daily Express Football Editor

Never mind the minutiae of this complex situation, Rob – how have you managed to be a writer for as long as you’ve been without learning that you don’t use an apostrophe for the possessive form of ‘it’? I remember you locking horns with Graham Taylor in that film, and that was ages ago. That’s just typical bone-idle journalism and/or predictive text error.

Dog sick for brains.

Paul Kelso, Telegraph Chief Sports Reporter

Perhaps? Why, whatever gave you that impression, you tremendous twazzock? Was it the forlorn shake of his head after he blasted a free-kick straight into the wall as his last action of the game, or that he’d quite clearly stunk the joint out up to that point?

Perhaps Rooney knows, you say? If he didn’t know by that point that he’d had a poor game, I’m sure [insert mirthful insinuation that ‘Sir Alex’ would have given Rooney his famous ‘hairdryer’ treatment stapled to obsequious eulogising of what a loveable old school disciplinarian he is here]. Chortle!

Arse.

Oliver Holt, Daily Mirror Chief Sports Writer

Cool story, bro.

No, really – cool story.

Bro.

Quilt.

Matt Law, Sunday Mirror Chief Football Writer

‘Gobby Cabbage’ – good one. Bet you were up all night thinking of that one. “Gobby Cabbage…bingo!” After all, it’s not as if ‘matt’ or ‘law’ rhyme with lots and lots of things. I’m going to go with ‘t**t whore”, but I’m sure the alternatives would overwhelm.

Play along at home, readers!

Phil McNulty, BBC Chief Football Writer

Benitez managed Chelsea for one Champions League match and they won it 6-1. No one can blame him for Chelsea going out of the Champions League, you say? If I google you now, will I find other articles entitled “Eamonn Holmes not responsible for World War 1” or “half-eaten cupcake in someone’s bin not to blame for cat getting stuck up tree five hundred miles away”?

You total biohazard.

Paul McCarthy, ex-News of the World

Ha ha! Good one, Paul!

You’re a total berk.

Andy Dunn, Sunday Mirror

You too.

Phil McNulty, BBC Chief Football Writer

Arf!

Next.

Henry Winter, Daily Telegraph Football Correspondent

Oh look.

Oliver Holt, Daily Mirror Chief Sports Writer

And again…

Oh look.

Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT

You can only field eleven players at any one time.

Sorry.

Henry Winter, Daily Telegraph Football Correspondent

No it isn’t/wasn’t.

You ludicrous queg.

Now bugger off, the lot of you.

Tune in next time for more from Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man.