Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Bristol City striker was at the mercy of the elements…
Anyone else in Portishead think there house is gonna get the windows smashed by this thunder and hail stones! #wild
— jonathan stead (@jonstead9) January 27, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… The inclement weather you refer to, Jonathan, is quite conceivably a form of divine punishment meted out for your inability to distinguish between basic homonyms.
Please read up on the differences between there, their and they’re.
well done to @acciesfc on there win in the cup yesterday, hoping they get a good draw.
— james mcarthur (@jamesmcarthur16) February 3, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… See me.
The Ipswich Town forward was hungry…
The way i get excited when i no im going to get good food #LMAO
— Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (@OfficialJET9) January 29, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… You know what excites me, Jay?
That’s right, class: the correct use of basic homonyms! It is of paramount importance that you get to know your way around the intricacies of our native tongue, Jay, and frankly I am surprised that your manager Mick McCarthy hasn’t forced the issue in this regard. I do so hope that his disciplinarian’s faculties are not deserting him.
Come and see me after the lesson along with Jonathan and James.
Holtby Lennon bale dembele! Gonna be some force. Bale just two good and holtby gonna be great signing. Dembele is just dembele
— Ryan Bennett (@ryanbennett_22) February 3, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Is it too much to ask that you take two minutes out of your free time to get to grips with – altogether now – basic homonyms?
I am not given to theming my classes, so this week’s somewhat singular fixation is entirely of your own making, my dear pupils. Pull your socks up, generally!*
(* The exclamation mark is indicative of a command rather than any inference of humour on my part.)
The Everton youngster was sounding out a former teammate…
— Hallam Hope (@HallamHope) January 30, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… I see this sort of thing often, whereby someone intends to convey a prolonged calling out of someone’s name through the repetition of its final letter. Now, this would work if your friend’s name ends with a vowel – “Rickyyyyyyyy!”, “Pedrooooo!” or “Mixuuuuuu!”, for example – but I find it hard to believe that you’d want to effect rapid-fire repetition of a consonant, unless of course your teeth were chattering, or you wished to mimic the iconic Reeves & Mortimer cry of “Ulri-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA!”.
Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense. Your friend Ty had it right by playing on the vowel.
The Sky Sports News presenter was revelling in an FA Cup giant-killing…
— Chloe Everton (@chloeeverton) January 27, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Not only is it spelt ‘royal’, but the erstwhile Latics and Everton manager is in fact named Joe Royle.
Adding the ‘e’ draws out the ‘a’ sound, rendering it ‘Royale’, as in “Royale with Cheese”. See also: ‘moral’ and ‘morale’.
Star Pupil: Franny Lee
The former Manchester City player and chairman was pining after Nigel de Jong…
I would have definitely had NDJ back as part of the Balotelli deal despite his injury! #Mcfc
— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) January 29, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Gold star for your correct use of the conditional perfect (“would have”), Franny. Were you correcting the following misappropriation?
@frannylee7 Would of loved Nigel back as part of the deal
— Rodsykesmcfc (@rodneysykes) January 29, 2013
If indeed you were then you get two gold stars. After all, the enforcing of correct grammar is a civil responsibility, is it not?
Well, it should be.
Now I must take my leave, for there appears to be more work to be done than I’d thought if I’m to be reinstated in Tony Pulis’s first team. Class dismissed!