Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The former Newcastle United and Coventry City striker was condemning the minority of Millwall fans warring amongst themselves at Wembley…
Not going to mention the dickheads,who let there club down and yet again let football down #shameonyou
— mick quinn (@mickquinn1089) April 13, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… They’re surely deserving of punishment for their actions there, but you’ve not exactly done yourself proud with that botched homonym.
Please stand in the corner and repeat the first clause of that sentence until the proverbial penny drops.
Good morning, class! I do hope you’ve all washed behind your ears.
The former Liverpool and Everton midfielder was incensed by a carelessly taken penalty…
— Don Hutchison (@donhutch4) April 11, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Again, I cannot much quibble with that, but you’ve unwittingly performed the grammatical equivalent by waddling up to that missive and repeating Mick’s mistake.
Please fashion yourself a conical (not to mention comical) hat out of scrap paper and join him in the dunce’s corner.
The Watford defender was bemoaning the inclination of certain people to rub salt into others’ wounds…
A lot of man like kicking people when there down
— Fitz Hall (@aslfitzhall) April 11, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Over there.
The former Bolton Wanderers, Birmingham City and Southampton centre back was playfully teasing…
— Radhi Jaidi (@RadhijaidiOff) April 10, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s highly doubtful that that’s what he meant, Radhi, given that it doesn’t make any sense.
I will accept, however, that lost shopping does indeed constitute a struggle. Nevertheless, see me.
The Portsmouth defender was feeling privileged…
Proud to be apart of such a special club! Bring on the future #pup
— Daniel Butler (@Danielbutler26) April 10, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… You’re not the Daniel Butler who played Bob “Bulldog” Briscoe on the Frasier televisual strand, are you? If so, I should be inclined to both ask for your autograph and forgive you your inability to distinguish ‘a part’ from ‘apart’ since it is in keeping with the roguish, unrefined character you play.
If you are another Daniel Butler, which you are, then I’d ask you to appreciate the entirely oppositional implications of ‘a part’ and ‘apart’. In order to convey belonging, please keep these two words apart, as it were.
Apart from that, you’re doing okay.
Patrick van Aanholt
The Vitesse left back, on loan from Chelsea, was endorsing a colleague…
Everyone follow the best brazilian fysio @eduphysio ;)
— Patrick van aanholt (@PvanAanholt_) April 10, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Presumably you took Edu’s own spelling of ‘physio’, as worked into his Twitter handle, to be erroneous, even though it’s his profession.
I ask you this, Patrick: can you spell ‘detention’? Two hours of it, after school, on Friday.
The Juventus forward, on loan from Arsenal, was seemingly trying to ask us something…
#When is it cool to different#
— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) April 9, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Is it cool to make absolutely no sense whatsoever? Apparently so.
Let’s see what the headmaster has to say on the matter when you report to his office, say, immediately.
Off you trot, now.
The Accrington Stanley left back was carrying a knock…
Knee is literally a balloon. Early night. Come on J Day. Quids in.
— Lee Molyneux (@Moly24) April 13, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… You could probably sue on the grounds of medical malpractice if that is indeed the case, that your knee is literally a balloon.
However, I would ask you to check up on the definition of ‘literally’ before proceeding with your case. Good luck!
Remember, class: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.
The Manchester City youngster was watching reality TV…
And the guy who sung stary eyed #killed it
— Coley-Cole (@DevanteeeCole) April 13, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s safe to assume that you meant “Starry Eyed”, the popular hit by English recording artist Ellie Goulding, although I would love to see this appropriated to “Stary Eyed” and performed by someone decidedly intense of glare, such as David Moyes.
That’s just my kooky sense of humour, though.
— George Evans (@GeorgeEvans70) April 13, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Were you imagining a table of people charging their glasses when you wrote “to much banter”? You may have the benefit of my doubt, but only because of my temporary state of mirthful benevolence owing to the mental image of David Moyes singing “Stary Eyed”.
This sensation has now passed, replaced by the overwhelming suspicion that you’ve been too consumed by ‘banter’ to appreciate the intricacies of homonyms.
Not to make too fine a point of it, but I should take a dim view of your continued inability to distinguish between the two – make that three, now – words by the time of next week’s lesson.
The Schalke striker had this to say…
But what a end
— Klaas Jan Huntelaar (@KJ_Huntelaar) April 9, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It might’ve been if you knew how to form an indefinite article correctly.
Now I must take my leave, for yet another week has passed without so much as a text message from any prospective employers in the football community. Clearly my CV could do with a spot of spring cleaning. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!