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Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Kaboul, Al-Habsi, Dyer, Barton, Redmond

By Jonny Abrams

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Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Joey Barton

The Olympique de Marseille midfielder was still taking potshots at Paris Saint-Germain defender Thiago Silva even after his strong showing against Barcelona…

Have to take back what I said about Thiago Silva being over rated today. Been immense tonight. Still looks like a overweight ladyboy though!

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) April 2, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Thiago may very well resemble a stout, transgender individual to you, Joseph; I shan’t ask you to cite your frame of reference and/or actual experience. However, we’ve a saying from where I come from: “He who cannot correctly deploy an indefinite article laughs prematurely, and foolishly.”

Or words to that effect.

Nathan Dyer

The Swansea City winger couldn’t fathom why some people spend so much time harbouring resentment…

Why do some people have to be so bitter all the time! Ah well each to there own!

— Nathan Dyer (@NathDyer87) April 4, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Far be it from me to draw attention to your League Cup final tantrum, so I shall instead highlight your evident inability to correctly distinguish between there, their and they’re.

They’re really not hard to grasp: please learn their differences by next week’s lesson, as I shall be testing you on it there*.

(* That should be ‘then’, but that wouldn’t very well make my point for me.)

Nathan Redmond

The Birmingham City winger was baiting his former teammate Chris Wood, now of Leicester City…

@officialcwood hahahahaha you clown! You miss me don’t you, that’s why your sending for me

— NathanRedmond#22 (@NathanRedmond22) April 8, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You’re asking for your free time to be eroded by extra homework, young man.

See me.

Ali Al-Habsi

The Wigan Athletic goalkeeper was geeing up the fans…

Massive game today. #QPR #wafc every team is in need for the 3 points. We will do our best. To all our dear fans, keep the faith and believe

— Ali Al-Habsi (@AliAlhabsi) April 7, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You must use ‘both’ to emphasise mutual necessity in a (non-literal) two-horse race, Ali. ‘Every’ would indicate the involvement of three or more teams; although, having said that, it would be better to use ‘each’ in that particular instance as ‘every’ speaks in a broader sense, ie. every team needs three points all of the time.

Yes, Ali, three rather than 3. Were you not present when I handed out the house style guides?

Younes Kaboul

The Tottenham Hotspur defender was glad to be back…

Morning all,great to play 1hour after all this time…Good feeling though.Thanks to all of you for your messages of support as always.

— Younes Kaboul (@YounsKabs4) April 9, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Please learn when best to deploy ‘though’, Younes; it’s a versatile conjunction used to link contrasting statements. For example: “I wouldn’t have eaten it if I’d known what it was. Tasted great, though.”

Unless of course you knew this and were emphasising the contrast between the greatness of playing one hour after all this time and the mere goodness of the feeling it gave you, in which case please accept my apologies.

Now I must take my leave, for a football club willing to employ me remains elusive. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!