Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Chiellini, Snodgrass, Barton, Konchesky, Hutchison

Jermaine Pedant

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Joey Barton

The Marseille midfielder was singing along like an old queen…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It’s nice to see you unwinding with some music after such a volatile week, one which has seen you joust with Dietmar Hamann and The Charlatans front man Tim Burgess amongst others, but I’m afraid that “when am” is a non-existent construction.

Please look at me when I’m talking to you.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Pat Nevin has an arts degree from Glasgow Caledonian University. Furthermore, it’s would have. Please desist from cultivating facades and brush up on your basic grammar before inviting others to discuss existentialism.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… See me.

Don Hutchison

The former Liverpool, West Ham United, Everton, Sunderland and Sheffield United midfielder had an old team mate backing him up…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Am I right in thinking that you and Jan Mølby would have been at Liverpool at the same time? Either way, I very much doubt that the erstwhile Denmark midfielder would appreciate such an emasculating typo. Chortle!

Okay, that’s enough frivolity for one week.

Jeffrey Schlupp

The Leicester City youngster hankering for a certain breakfast cereal…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That certainly is a curious spelling of ‘curiously’, young Jeffrey. Perhaps I have the wrong end of the stick* and you are in fact referring to a different product, a curried affair unbeknownst to me. If that is the case then I offer my sincere apologies.

(* No pun intended)

Robert Snodgrass

The Norwich City winger was being crass…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Misses? Which misses? Those which have seen your side go five Premier League matches without a win?

I’m sure your missus does not appreciated being lampooned thusly, while you could at least have formulated your hash tag correctly. Clearly you were too busy messing about with Pilkington to be paying attention when I was correcting Joseph earlier. We shall have to break you two up.

Go and sit on opposite sides of the classroom!

Gavin Hoyte

The Dagenham & Redbridge defender had an away game…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I shall pass over the surplus g on ‘long’ for now and focus instead on “too Morecambe”. Have you made a hash of a basic homonym, or were you in fact deploying ‘Morecambe’ as an adjective? It’s not uncommon nowadays to hear young people say things like “that is so Essex” or “you couldn’t be more Stockport if you tried”, so it’s conceivable that you had encountered someone or something that was, in your considered opinion, “too Morecambe”.

Or could it be that you were referring to Eric Morecambe?

Paul Konchesky

The Leicester City full-back was anticipating some Japanese food…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Not with spelling like that.

I suggest you place them in the temporary custody of someone who may help them hone their English while you and the missus – take note, Snodgrass – are out gorging yourselves on ramen and teppanyaki.

Giorgio Chiellini

The Juventus centre-back was rooting for his colleagues on the eve of a big match…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While it is commonplace within the football community to hear someone assert that “you make your own luck in this game”, one must wish it on behalf of others rather than attempt to manufacture it.

Depending on your beliefs, you may consider the creation of luck as a commodity to be possible – a sprig of white heather here, a horseshoe – but in this classroom we deal with the concrete, not matters of superstition.

Ollie Cox

The Watford youngster had a message for his followers…

Don’t let anyone disrespect your family #fact

— ollie cox (@olliecox56) January 8, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This is not a fact; rather, it is an instruction.

Here’s an instruction of my own: see me.

Now I must take my leave, for my reconciliation with Tony Pulis grants me a fresh opportunity to demonstrate dazzling wing play at Premier League level. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!

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