Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Marseille midfielder was singing along like an old queen…
‘Up in my lonely room. When am dreaming of you…’
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) January 12, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s nice to see you unwinding with some music after such a volatile week, one which has seen you joust with Dietmar Hamann and The Charlatans front man Tim Burgess amongst others, but I’m afraid that “when am” is a non-existent construction.
Please look at me when I’m talking to you.
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) January 11, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Pat Nevin has an arts degree from Glasgow Caledonian University. Furthermore, it’s would have. Please desist from cultivating facades and brush up on your basic grammar before inviting others to discuss existentialism.
Saturday evening and thats what your life has amounted to? Spelling corrections! We know who you are… #peados
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) January 12, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… See me.
— Don Hutchison (@donhutch4) January 15, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Am I right in thinking that you and Jan Mølby would have been at Liverpool at the same time? Either way, I very much doubt that the erstwhile Denmark midfielder would appreciate such an emasculating typo. Chortle!
Okay, that’s enough frivolity for one week.
The Leicester City youngster hankering for a certain breakfast cereal…
Lemme just have a bowl of curriously cinnamon 1st actually ????
— jeffrey schlupp (@Jeffrey_Schlupp) January 14, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… That certainly is a curious spelling of ‘curiously’, young Jeffrey. Perhaps I have the wrong end of the stick* and you are in fact referring to a different product, a curried affair unbeknownst to me. If that is the case then I offer my sincere apologies.
(* No pun intended)
The Norwich City winger was being crass…
— Robert snodgrass (@robsnodgrass7) January 11, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Misses? Which misses? Those which have seen your side go five Premier League matches without a win?
I’m sure your missus does not appreciated being lampooned thusly, while you could at least have formulated your hash tag correctly. Clearly you were too busy messing about with Pilkington to be paying attention when I was correcting Joseph earlier. We shall have to break you two up.
Go and sit on opposite sides of the classroom!
The Dagenham & Redbridge defender had an away game…
Longg trip too morecambe now
— Gavin Hoyte (@gh_28) January 8, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… I shall pass over the surplus g on ‘long’ for now and focus instead on “too Morecambe”. Have you made a hash of a basic homonym, or were you in fact deploying ‘Morecambe’ as an adjective? It’s not uncommon nowadays to hear young people say things like “that is so Essex” or “you couldn’t be more Stockport if you tried”, so it’s conceivable that you had encountered someone or something that was, in your considered opinion, “too Morecambe”.
Or could it be that you were referring to Eric Morecambe?
The Leicester City full-back was anticipating some Japanese food…
Wagamas wiv the family! Not a good idea to take the kids!???
— Paul konchesky (@konch3) January 9, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Not with spelling like that.
I suggest you place them in the temporary custody of someone who may help them hone their English while you and the missus – take note, Snodgrass – are out gorging yourselves on ramen and teppanyaki.
The Juventus centre-back was rooting for his colleagues on the eve of a big match…
I want to make a big good luck to my teammates for tonight! Come on guys! Let’s go and conquer the semi-final! #juvemilan
— Giorgio Chiellini (@chiellini) January 9, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… While it is commonplace within the football community to hear someone assert that “you make your own luck in this game”, one must wish it on behalf of others rather than attempt to manufacture it.
Depending on your beliefs, you may consider the creation of luck as a commodity to be possible – a sprig of white heather here, a horseshoe – but in this classroom we deal with the concrete, not matters of superstition.
The Watford youngster had a message for his followers…
Don’t let anyone disrespect your family #fact
— ollie cox (@olliecox56) January 8, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… This is not a fact; rather, it is an instruction.
Here’s an instruction of my own: see me.
Now I must take my leave, for my reconciliation with Tony Pulis grants me a fresh opportunity to demonstrate dazzling wing play at Premier League level. Class dismissed!