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Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Lucas, Manish, Gillespie and more!

Mr Pedant celebrates his winner at West Ham by educating Lucas Leiva, Gary Gillespie, Eddie Johnson and Manish Bhasin.

By Jonny Abrams

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Lucas Leiva

The Liverpool midfielder was relieved to see his side edge into the next round of the League Cup with an extra time win over Notts County…

Nervous night but we got trough !! Big one on Sunday.

— Lucas Leiva (@LucasLeiva87) August 27, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I’m glad that you eventually managed to source a trough. May I inquire as to what you were feeding upon from it, and precisely how big was the one you had on Sunday?

Hello class, good to be back. I hope you all saw my match-winning free kick at West Ham United on the weekend – I shall be testing you on it later.

Manish Bhasin

The Football League Show presenter was reporting on a League Cup goal…

Villa 2-0 Rotherham. Benteke just before HT with a header over a statuesque goalkeeper

— Manish Bhasin (@_manishbhasin) August 28, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Contrary to popular belief – within footballing circles, at least – the word ‘statuesque’ does not mean “still, like a statue”.

Rather, it is defined as “attractively tall and dignified”. Perhaps I have misjudged your tweet and you were in fact wishing to convey your admiration of the beaten ‘keeper in this regard?

Gary Gillespie

The former Coventry City and Liverpool and defender was watching Celtic’s Champions League qualifier against Shakhter Karagandy…

Can't see the wood from the trees Forrest scores what must be the winner. Bit of individual brilliance by Stokes. #championsleague

— Gary Gillespie (@DizGillespie2) August 28, 2013

@DizGillespie2 less of those puns! Great excitement tho…

— Mark Benstead (@markbenstead) August 28, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It’s not a pun if it doesn’t make any sense, Mark – for a start, the phrase is “can’t see the wood for the trees”.

It refers to one who is unable to understand what is important in a particular situation due to paying too much attention to detail. In short, I fail to see what this has to do with James Forrest’s goal.

Gary, please write out fifty times: “I shall not deploy idioms that I don’t know the meaning of, least of all as a somewhat arbitrary attempt at punning.”

Mark, please write out one hundred times: “I shall not confer intellectual superiority upon former Coventry City and Liverpool defender Gary Gillespie.

Ashlee Jones

The Canvey Island goalkeeper was amused to see certain slang words made official…

So twerkin n selfie has made the dictionary

— Ashlee Jones (@ashleeflyboi) August 28, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You’re correct with regards ‘selfie’ but not ‘twerkin’. The word ‘twerking’, however, did indeed make the Oxford English Dictionary.

Furthermore, they have made the dictionary, not has made the dictionary. More than one of something – in this case, words – amounts to a plural, like so:

One apple = singular, ie. “An apple has fallen on my head”

Two or more apples = plural, ie. “Some apples have fallen on my head”

I trust that you shall not feel overly patronised by my chosen examples.

Eddie Johnson

The Seattle Sounders striker appeared to be quoting a song lyric…

"I just i just i just want credit when it's do" In my #drizzydrakevoice!!!!

— Eddie Johnson (@eddie_johnson7) August 28, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… No matter what voice you’re singing in, credit is invariably due as opposed to do.

Good luck getting that credit. Chortle!

Aaron Tshibola

The Reading youngster had an observation to make…

Certain man make Woman there priority ??

— Aaron Tshibola (@AaronTshibola8) August 27, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… No, but certain men make women their priority.

See me.

Now I must take my leave, for I have a new lease of life at Stoke City to attend to. Class dismissed!