Jermaine Pedant: van Persie, Ferdinand, Ranger, Emmanuel-Thomas, Iriekpen

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Robin van Persie

The – erm – Arsenal striker was overwhelmed by all the birthday wishes he received on Monday…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… First of all, Robin, belated birthday salutations from your old pal and team mate Jermaine Pedant! Our paths have diverged greatly since our formative years as young Gunners – you’re the Premier League’s reigning top goal-scorer, whereas I have overcome my illiteracy to excel in the realms of academia – and it is a shame that we should reunite in such an unhappy circumstance as your inability at the age of 29 to write out the words ‘you’ and ‘too’.

In order to demonstrate that I’ve not lost my wicked sense of humour over the years, allow me to disingenuously suggest that you were about to segregate your Twitter followers into two distinct categories (i.e. “you are 2 kinds of…”) before a slip of the finger, perhaps borne out of your pondering a move to Manchester United or City, left you with an incomplete sentence.

No, not a suspended sentence, before the peanut gallery chimes in. Let’s leave my recent drink driving conviction out of this.

Jay Emmanuel-Thomas

The Ipswich Town forward was apparently rather miffed about something or other to do with basketball…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I’m prepared to give you the benefit of my considerable doubt as to whether or not you intended to infer the possessive with “its norm”, but there’s not a cat in hell’s chance I’m letting you get away with that botched past participle. It’s certainly got me vexed.

Come and see me in my office after the lesson.

Anton Ferdinand

The Queens Park Rangers defender was on his way to the continent…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Ooh la la, Anton! I’m afraid en route is a French expression, so you’ve committed something of a faux pas here. C’est la vie, I grant you, but you’re starting to become a regular on these pages. Plus ça change, you might say.

Let’s schedule a rendezvous in my office to discuss this matter further.

Izzy Iriekpen

The former Swansea City defender was congratulating an Olympic bronze medal-winner…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Great carrier? Have they given her the torch? See me.

Nile Ranger

The Newcastle United forward had some sage advice for his followers…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… The deployment of ‘what’ as a device for identification seems to be a common mistake within footballing circles: “the goal what changed the game”, “the injury what forced him off”, and so on and so forth. Take your own corrected advice when I say to you this: never bite the hand that feeds you knowledge pertaining to grammar, spelling and correct sentence structure.

Now I must take my leave, for I’m fairly certain I just heard Tony Pulis shout “where’s that one what keeps correcting me all the time”? Alas it appears my efforts have been in vain. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!

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