Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Schmeichel, Distin, Lucas, Snodgrass, Gutierrez, Ledley

Jermaine Pedant

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Peter Schmeichel

The former Manchester United goalkeeper doesn’t agree with zonal marking…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Set piece situations seem to be descending into farce what with all the jersey-tugging and whatnot, and I’d venture to nominate the end of your tweet, Peter, as the literary equivalent of Ryan Shawcross climbing all over Marouane Fellaini before getting headbutted in the face.

Do you mean to say that you can’t understand why anyone’s sister marks zonally? I personally can’t understand a lot of things my sisters do, so I wouldn’t put it past them to defend set pieces in this manner.

Happy new year, class!

Lucas Leiva

Liverpool’s Brazilian midfielder was pleased at his side’s FA Cup win at Mansfield Town

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Why would you need a trough for the next round? Are you planning on taking a number of farmyard animals with you to Oldham Athletic? Or do you feel it necessary that the 4th round of the FA Cup constitute the low point in your current business cycle?

Perhaps you were at a public house with such enthusiastic drinkers that you deemed a trough necessary for consumption of the next round?

Hmmm?

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Jody Morris

The Bristol City midfielder was looking back over the weekend’s action…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Admit it, Jody: you just guessed that second apostrophe placement, didn’t you? The only other plausible take, I surmise, is that you think Manchester United’s veteran midfielder to be called Ryan Gigg, in which case I must condemn your failure to learn otherwise during the twenty-plus years of his top-flight football career.

The possessive form of singular nouns and pronouns ending with the letter ‘s’ is a common source of confusion. From what I’ve observed, many would opt for an ‘s’ + apostrophe ending – eg. Giggs’, Lucas’, James’, lens’ – but this is how one forms the plural possessive, as in footballers’ wives or Cup Winners’ Cup. What Jody requires is an ‘s’ + apostrophe + another ‘s’, ie. Giggs’s, Lucas’s, James’s or lens’s.

Furthermore, I wasn’t aware that Nii Lamptey was still playing, let alone had equalled Kerry Dixon’s record of goals for Chelsea.

Robert Snodgrass

The Norwich City winger was wryly observing people’s new year habits…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Robert, well done on proving your worth as a top flight footballer this season, but please see to it that your sentence structure ceases to plummet such depths as indicating that gyms will be sweating alcohol out of them, as opposed to the people inside them.

You may of course have been decorating the scene with surrealist imagery – after all, gyms sweating has a certain ‘hamburgers eating people’ quality about it – and if this is indeed the case then I do so humbly apologise.

I could ‘go to town’ on the rest of your tweet – starting with “why everybody always”, which I cannot help but hear spoken in the voice of Harry Hill’s puppet friend Stoufer – but I have other pupils to educate.

See me at the end of the lesson.

Mick Quinn

The former Newcastle United and Coventry City striker was on hand with a news update…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… There’s no need to capitalise ‘bye bye’, unless of course you were knowingly mimicking the hit song “Bye Bye Baby”, in which case…

See me.

Joe Ledley

The Celtic midfielder was spoilt for choice…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That reads as if you’re proposing a toast to there being many good films on at the same time. Presumably this was not your intention, so remember this: you can’t be too careful when it comes to basic homonyms.

Jonas Gutierrez

The Newcastle United midfielder was reflecting on his side’s gutsy 4-3 defeat at Manchester United…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Newcastle United have an arsenal, and it’s where you go to think? What a bizarre dual revelation.

You did of course mean that you would think of or about Arsenal, the capitalised football club, and if you’d done this instead then you mightn’t have lost that match 7-3.

One week’s deten…no, you’ve suffered enough.

Ryan Bennett

The Norwich City defender was bemoaning a dangerous driver…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Who’s Rod, and what makes his driving so bad?

Guffaw! Please excuse my frivolity, the Christmas spirit does linger somewhat.

Rodney Marsh

The former Manchester City, Fulham and Queens Park Rangers striker was coining…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Venky’d.

Next.

Spencer Prior

The former Southend United, Norwich City, Leicester City, Derby County, Manchester City and Cardiff City defender cried foul on a bad tackle…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Yes, he could have.

So many to get through this week. Yeesh.

James Wallace

The Tranmere Rovers midfielder lost his heads…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… How many heads did you have, exactly?

Furthermore, how are you still tweeting given that your head has fallen off? How has life changed for you since your head fell off?

Note the difference between the past participle and perfect tense.

Star Pupil: Sylvain Distin

The Everton defender was reflecting on the Toffees’ 2-1 win over Wigan Athletic

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Herein lies a point of great intrigue for me personally: does “the 3 points” constitute a singular or a plural in this particular context? My esteemed colleague Morten Gamst-Pedantsen argues that the plurality of points should be reflected in the attendant verb, and Sylvain should therefore have written “the 3 points make me feel better”.

However, I would counter this theory on the pretext that Sylvain is placated not by each of the points individually but by the sense of achievement associated with them collectively; in this sense, “the three points” is merely a synonym for ‘win’, and therefore Sylvain is correct.

Well done, Sylvain.

Now I must take my leave, for I am to return to Stoke on the morrow. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!

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