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Jermaine Pedant: Le Fondre, Santos, Dalglish, Bramble, Whiteside, Boruc

By Jonny Abrams

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Adam le Fondre

The Reading striker was delighted after his two goals helped the Royals to all three points against Everton on Saturday…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That’s a goal for each instance of gratuitous letter-dropping, Adam. Congratulations on your all-important brace, but bear in mind that you’re not obliged to abbreviate unless you absolutely have to; in this particular instance, it is clear that you did not.

While I’m at it, may I ask that you have a word with your teammate Noel Hunt with regards his excessive use of punctuation marks?

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… In my eyes, Noel, this constitutes abuse. See to it that you punctuate more responsibly in future!*

(*I used an exclamation mark – just the one, you may note – in order to illustrate a command, and not to convey humour as per the pervading modern trend.)

André Santos

The Arsenal defender was in celebratory mood for more than one reason…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You may swap shirts when and with whom you see fit as far as I’m concerned, André, but within the confines of my classroom you must obey the following rules:

1) That of the indefinite article, which is evidently an area that you struggle in

2) That of the correct possessive form, which you have bypassed completely in reference to young Arthur’s birthday party

3) That which dictates that you do not put quotation marks around the name of your own son, unless of course his name is shrouded in uncertainty and you mean to infer as much through what I like to call a ‘grammatical wink’

I trust that this prove informative for you, but do see me after the lesson if there are any lingering doubts.

Paul Dalglish

The much-travelled former Football League forward, son of Liverpool legend Kenny, posited a solution to Joe Allen’s recent dip in form…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… …whereas ex-professionals occasionally need reminding how to correctly deploy present participles.

See me.

Norman Whiteside

The former Manchester United and Everton midfielder was answering questions from fans…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Speaking of participles, you must use the past form thereof in order to execute the third conditional in a fit and proper manner.

You would have known that if you’d paid more attention in class, Norman.

In terms of academic progress, you are indeed “off course”.

See me.

Adam Morgan

The Liverpool starlet was wishing his clubmate Raheem Sterling luck ahead of his England debut against Sweden last week…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Young Adam, I do so wish that you would deploy adverbs as brilliantly as you hoped Raheem would perform in the aforementioned international friendly.

This is a common deficiency amongst the football community, or so I have noticed: “he hasn’t been playing regular (sic)”, “they didn’t defend good (sic)”, and so on and so forth. I would like to see you put this right instantly!*

(*This time there was an inference of humour; I am not oblivious to the ongoing evolution of the written word, at least within reason.)

Rohan Ricketts

The former Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur midfielder was observing Saturday’s clash between the two sides…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Well done on your correct use of the third conditional, Rohan, but I don’t think anyone would dissuade me from asking that you apply similarly high standards across the linguistic – or, if you will, ‘examining’ – board.

See – harsh as this may seem – me.

Artur Boruc

The former Celtic goalkeeper fancied a night in with a good film…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Might I suggest something instructional with regards the English language? That would be my recommendation.

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Jason Brown

The Aberdeen goalkeeper paid tribute to the Pittodrie faithful…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You could at least have given them a correct present perfect construction, Jason.

Scant consolation, I grant you, but your responsibilities as a role model are more widely reaching than you may have considered.

Titus Bramble

The Sunderland defender was passing on a message of peace and goodwill to his fellow man…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… As admirable as the sentiment may be, Titus, I fear that its failure to identify the correct indefinite article for ‘iPod’ may jeopardise its penetration amongst the general populace.

It’s almost enough to make me reconsider my wish for everyone to approach our mother tongue with the same exacting standards I’ve always strived for myself…but not quite.

Luke Garbutt

The Everton youngster was expressing gratitude after undergoing surgery…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… “Top draw”? Did your operation attract a large crowd?

Perhaps you should keep a dictionary in your top drawer, young Luke.

Alex Bruce

The Hull City defender, son of newly installed manager Steve, was perplexed by the colour coordination within a crunch Championship clash…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I fail to see how colour blindness might have presented one with any more difficulty distinguishing between the two sides than perfect 20/20 vision, Alex. May I inquire as to your logic in this instance

This may not be a matter of grammar, but pedantry waters all of life’s fields.

Jon Nolan

The Stockport County defender was lost for inspiration…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… ‘Dum’ being very much the operative syllable, young Jon.

See me.

Devante Cole

The Manchester City youngster, son of former Premier League striker Andrew, was requesting information on a certain sending off…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… “Adebyour”? Really?

It’s not often I say this, but go and report to the headmaster’s office. Tell him I sent you, and why.

*Sigh*

Anyone?

Thank you, Jozy. You get a house point.

Now I must take my leave, for Ståle Solbakken’s long-term vision for Wolverhampton Wanderers requires our unyielding cooperation. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!