Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Stoke City forward was curling up with a choice film…
In bed watching super bad so funny!! Anyone got a film or series too recommend for me??
— cameron jerome (@camjerome10) July 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… How does it come to pass that you can you spell ‘recommend’ correctly but not ‘to’? It’s precisely this sort of inconsistency that you must iron out of your game, dear team mate, and not just from a grammatical point of view. Yes, my own on-pitch performances have been rather less than stellar of late, but one must strive for perfection in as many areas of one’s life as is humanly possible. Otherwise what is it all for?
The former Liverpool, Leeds United and Manchester City striker was experiencing marital problems…
Remote has been confiscated and now sat staring at walls because of the s***e that’s been switched on… To lazy to leave the room
— robbie fowler (@Robbie9Fowler) July 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Too lazy to bother differentiating between basic homonyms as well, I might add. You may have been a goal machine in your heyday but there’s no excuse – and there’s something of a theme developing here – for spelling ‘confiscated’ correctly and then lousing up something so elementary you could slap “my dear Watson” on the end and make a popular misquotation out of it. Please spend less time earning a fortune from various properties and more time reading up on the finer points of Her Majesty’s own mahogany-planked tongue.
The Leyton Orient winger was fed up with our British summer…
Oh here we go new it wouldnt last pissing down again what a joke! ??
— dean cox (@dean_7cox) July 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Not as much of a joke as your grasp of basic homonyms. I realise this is something we’ve covered already in this particular column but, ooh, it grinds my gears! Almost as much as pugnacious full-backs. Gareth Bale, I feel your pain. (Yes, Charlie Adam isn’t a full-back, but the point stands.)
The former Crystal Palace and Sheffield Wednesday striker was replying to something or other to do with controversial smut-fest Fifty Shades of Grey…
is that the aurthor? Ohhhhhh 50SOG
— Mark Bright (@Mark__Bright) July 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That’s a bad word to make such a hash of, Mark. A real bad ‘un. See me.
The de Boer brothers
The Dutch brothers, formerly of Rangers, tweeted a message of support for their embattled former club from their joint account…
— Frank&Ronald de Boer (@FrankRonald1970) July 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Unless you’re the Queen – and even then I’d reluctantly beseech Your Majesty to insert a comma for inflection’s sake – I assume that what you meant to write was “once a Ranger”. In any case, I doubt Rangers would find themselves in the financial troubles they’re currently embroiled in were the Queen a supporter. Just saying.
The young West Bromwich Albion striker had been let down badly…
Was Very Disappoint Not To Have Wake Up Call This Morning, Put Me In A Right Downer Lol. Some People Forgetting! You Know Who You Are!!
— Chris Wood (@officialcwood) July 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… …whereas I am very disappoint (sic) in your botched attempt at a past participle. Furthermore, you needn’t capitalise each word of a sentence unless it’s a title or a headline. If this happens to be the somewhat unorthodox title of your autobiography then I apologise unreservedly and applaud your originality, however sloppily constructed.
The young Bolton Wanderers striker hit back at the peanut gallery…
If you have a problem with me then feel free to say it TO me. Dont write sly comments. Be a man and say it how it is. When youre ready…
— Marvin Sordell (@MarvinSordell) July 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I have a problem: there should be an apostrophe in you’re. Bring it on, Marvin.
The young Arsenal winger was…er…
— Anthony Jeffrey(@AyJayy25) July 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Cumin? Treacle? Lard? What kind of twisted cuisine is this? See me.
The former Norwich City and Leicester City midfielder was moved by the reaction to this article…
Over whelmed byall the kind people out there today. I will continue to try and make them listen with your help
#PFAhelpThank you x
— Darren Eadie (@eadie11) July 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… ‘Overwhelm’ is one word, Darren; but even I’m not so stern that I can’t congratulate you for speaking out so candidly about such a serious matter. Well done!
I best be off now: the 2012-13 Premier League season draws ever closer, and the pursuit of knowledge shall never cease in its bid to distract me from my primary function. Class dismissed!