👀

Jermaine Pedant: Fletcher, Sterling, Bertrand, Hunt, Guthrie, Gullit

By Jonny Abrams

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Darren Huckerby

The former Norwich City, Leeds United, Manchester City and Coventry City forward was putting a troll in his place…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Break it up this instant, you two! I shall not tolerate this kind of insubordination in my classroom.

Are you both settled down? Good; let us proceed.

Darren, you’re off your rocker if you consider ‘douche bag’ to be a pronoun, and I trust that preceding clause shall be sufficient to cover each area of uncertainty evident within your somewhat barbed missive.

Joshua, you are not a footballer and hence should not be attending this lesson, but my pedantary instincts insist that I cite your rather stroppy protestation as proof that you do not in fact “have banter”.

Now please take your leave! Darren, see me after the lesson.

Reuben Hazell

The Shrewsbury Town defender was teasing his pal and birthday boy, Telford United forward Darren Byfield…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Who or what is Domino in this instance, Reuben? Are you referring here to the record label home to such luminaries as Robert Wyatt, Stephen Malkmus, Animal Collective and Arctic Monkeys? Or indeed the pizza delivery service Domino’s, in which case would you care to elucidate for us the manner of their game?

The apostrophe indicates the possessive rather than the plural, Reuben, and I hope that this realisation shall create a knock-on effect of grammatical study akin to dominoes falling.

Steven Fletcher

The on-form Sunderland centre-forward missed his friends’ song being played on Sky Sports…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… …whereas I’m not happy with your failure to grasp basic homonyms, Steven. It’s good to see you scoring so many goals there [Sunderland], but they’re a source of concern for me if their secondary effect is to distract you from the pursuit of knowledge, which is forever ongoing.

Alan Sugar

The former Tottenham Hotspur chairman was remaining grounded after Spurs took an early lead at Manchester United…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You’ve certainly let me down, Alan, as your grasp of basic homonyms rivals Steven’s for paucity. Debate as to whether or not one may score too early notwithstanding, may I be so bold as to suggest that your celebrity hobnobbing and frequent television appearance are stifling your education.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… His name is Ray Winstone, and predicting betting odds mere moments before they are unveiled strikes me as a rather vacuous erosion of your learning time.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Given your proneness to glaring typos, might I suggest that you are the one who should pay a visit to said high street optical retailer? Furthermore, I take a dim view of regurgitated television advertisement catchphrases within the academic arena; this is a place of learning, not of tomfoolery.

Jozy Altidore

The AZ Alkmaar and former Hull City forward was hailing his US team mate Clint Dempsey’s winning goal in said Old Trafford clash…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Was it your intention to salute the late Pope John Paul II, or indeed advertise a lesser-known slang term for excrement? This Urban Dictionary entry suggests it might’ve been, albeit this is not an academically recognised source.

I do believe that your friend Clint goes by the pseudonym Deuce.

Richard Chaplow

The Southampton midfielder was laughing off taunts from Everton fans relating to his bald pate…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Did the Goodison Park faithful randomly select you – or, specifically, your follicle deficiency – as a target for ridicule? Perhaps your name was drawn from a hat, or had a pin stuck in it by a dizzied and blindfolded infant? Even if either of these were the case, only the decision-making process could be deemed ‘random’, and not the shouts themselves, which one may safely assume were deliberate.

The widespread misuse of the words ‘random’ and ‘literally’ threaten the very fabric of society, and must be clamped down upon at every opportunity.

Danny Guthrie

The Reading midfielder was carefully articulating his dissatisfaction at not making Brian McDermott’s starting XI against his old club Newcastle United…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… When you opined that you pass “to much”, Danny, were you referring to Cardiff City midfielder Jordan Mutch, or even Everton goalkeeper Jan Mucha? If you have been habitually directing possession to either of these gentlemen all the way from Reading, then I must say I’m not surprised by your failure to make the first team.

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Here’s another habit you can put a stop to while you’re at it: mistakenly writing ‘of’ in place of ‘off’.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That is all I can ever ask from my pupils, Danny. Best of luck in your quest.

Noel Hunt

Danny’s Royals team mate was in better spirits having notched his first Premier League goal in this weekend’s 2-2 draw…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This throws up quite the bone of contention: while it could very well be argued that your dream did indeed come through for you, Noel, I would counter any such debate by citing the indisputable prevalence of “dream come true” as a means of expressing a fulfilled ambition.

You will be pleased to know that you are the beneficiary of this admittedly remote doubt, whereas on another day I might have seen fit to take punitive measures as an assertion of my academic eminence.

Ruud Gullit

The legendary Dutchman was on hand with the following spot of analysis…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… They may have defensive problems, Ruud, but then nobody is perfect.

Luke Dobie

The former Middlesbrough and Accrington Stanley midfielder was making the following distinction…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Good idea, Luke. Please write out one hundred times: “Talent you’re born with”.

Ryan Bertrand

The young Chelsea left-back has a dream…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… More spiritual or drug-addled people than I may insist upon viewing mankind as a singular entity, but I worship at the altar of grammar, and thus enjoy hearing about people trying to improve and do great things with their lives.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Your altruistic leanings are to be commended, young Ryan, but they must not be allowed to mask the disturbing grammatical inconsistency you have displayed in first correctly deploying the possessive their and then abandoning it in favour of the incorrect there. See me.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… See me.

John Bostock, Raheem Sterling and God

The young Tottenham Hotspur midfielder, on loan at Swindon Town, had the following motivational slogan retweeted by Liverpool starlet Raheem Sterling.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… If this second-hand quote is to be taken at face value, then God’s omission of the apostrophe inherent in I’m is cause for both widespread reappraisal and a potential promotion for myself into an as-yet-untapped realm of academic guidance.

God, if you’re reading, please contact Stoke City Football Club in order to inquire about my availability.

Star pupil: Jay Bothroyd

The Sheffield Wednesday striker put his recent Twitter spat with Owls fans behind him with the following commendable display of grammatical awareness…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Having not seen the incident I cannot vouch for your assertion, and this is far from being a perfectly constructed missive, but your insistence that you “should’ve” had a penalty pleases me greatly. Take note, would-be writers of “should of (sic)”!

Now I must take my leave, for we are to visit my former club Liverpool on Sunday and I am keen to impress my on-pitch wizardry upon both sets of supporters. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!