Football Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Leyton Orient winger was reiterating his commitment to the cause…
I am sick of saying it every week like everybody thinks on my statues it hurts as much as you we will work harder and success will come
— dean cox (@dean_7cox) October 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I was hitherto unaware that statues had been erected either by you or in your honour, Dean. Does it have anything to do with your recent wonder goal against Walsall?
It’s safe to assume that you meant to write ‘statuses’, although I do believe this to be more of a Facebook term. ‘Tweet’ shall suffice, but I will of course offer my sincere apologies if you were in fact referring to your Facebook statuses.
Speaking of which, put that smart phone away!
The Peterborough United defender was being crass…
Life is like a boner, women make it hard…
— Gabriel Zakuani (@Gabs50Zakuani) October 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Whereas many of my colleagues would see fit to punish such a show of insubordinance, Gabriel, I choose instead to highlight your incorrect notion that a ‘boner’, as you so vulgarly put it, can be aroused into a state of rigidity, when of course it is inherently already hard. If you had written “life is like a penis, women make it hard”, or even “life is like a boner, women made it hard” (see what I did there?), then this despicably lowbrow attempt at humour would at least have had a legitimate scientific basis.
If you continue to make my life hard, as it were, I shall be forced to transfer you to Mr. Gamst Pedantsen’s class. He takes a far dimmer view of these matters than I, Gabriel.
The Chelsea youngster was despairing at his mother’s sense of timing…
Only my mum would go to new York when there expecting a hurricane
— Billy Clifford (@Bclifford47) October 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Was she fleeing your grammar, perchance? They’re proud of welcoming the tired, the poor and the huddled masses to their historic city, so perhaps they’re now encouraging the mothers of poor English students over there too.
No, Billy; I said ‘grammar’, not ‘grandma’.
The Soccer Saturday regular was on Soccer Saturday…
I did the Spurs v Wigan game today,Wigan were good value for there victory Spurs were worryingly poor
— Phil Thompson (@Phil_Thompson4) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… “Worryingly poor” makes for an apt summation of your application in class, Phillip. As one of the elder pupils present, I expect you to listen and set an example.
Please write out one hundred times: “I will always listen to educators for their helpful instructions.”
The Aston Villa legend predicted a top-half finish for his old club…
— Paul McGrath(@Paulmcgrath5) October 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You may be full of hope, Paul, but I am full of despair; however, I am hopeful that you will be more careful and less doubtful in the future.
The Sky Sports presenter was reporting back on some choice cursing…
— Hayley McQueen (@HayleyMcQueen) October 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… The infant was conceivably referring to your grammar, Hayley!
I have some sympathy in this regard, given the apparent logic behind using who’s as the possessive version of ‘who’. However, so as to differentiate from the contraction for ‘who is’ (as in “who’s with me?”), we use whose. Similarly, none of ‘his’, ‘hers’, ‘yours’, ‘ours’ or ‘theirs’ are spelt with an apostrophe, just one of the many irregularities that make our language such a constant source of fascination.
The former Southampton, Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool and West Ham United defender was commenting on one of his old clubs…
I think everyone agree’s we need a striker or two in January, Rogers got to be given time though guys surely ??
— Neil Ruddock (@RealRazor) October 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Neil, agrees is inferring a person, not a possessive, so there is no need for an apostrophe.
I also couldn’t help but notice your misspelling of the manager in question, albeit ‘Rodgers’ does appear to be a less common surname than ‘Rogers’. I also accept the slim possibility that you were referring somewhat peculiarly to a plurality of forenamed Rogers, such as Federer, Moore and Rabbit.
The Liverpool left-back was off to work…
Good morning people. Inthe way to the training. Looking forward for the game against newcastle :)
— jose enrique sanchez (@jose3enrique3) November 1, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You’re in the way to training? Well, you better get out of the way, then! Chortle.
I’m also encouraged by your intention to look forwards for the Newcastle United match, rather than the less productive backwards.
Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its purpose is to educate.
The Liverpool youngster was tweeting after his side’s League Cup exit at the hands of Swansea City…
Dissappoint result for the team. Im not injured. Good night. YNWA.
— Daniel Pacheco(@dani37pacheco) October 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… …whereas I am disappointed with that bungled past participle, young Daniel.
The Wolverhampton Wanderers youngster was wondering if he’s psychic…
How did I no rooney was gonna mis that pen
— Johnny Gorman (@JohnnyGorman92) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You didn’t know, my young team mate; you envisioned both outcomes prior to Wayne taking the penalty – we all do this, every time – and conveniently blanked one of them from your memory to suit your own excitable nature.
Have you ever heard the expression “even a broken clock is right twice a day”?
Jan Aage Fjortoft
The former Swindon Town and Middlesbrough striker has his doubts about Arsenal’s long-serving manager…
Wenger has always been my favourite- manager. Have so much respect for him.But does he start losing it?Transfers,tactic,teamselection….
— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Your phrasing implies recurrence, Jan, as if Arsene starts losing it on a regular basis. Perhaps you are correct, but I suspect that this is not what you meant. My question is this: have you lost it?
@hermanshire big respect for him. But the greatest managers can loose their team. Agree?
— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… They could loosen them if they were holding them by a leash, I suppose, but such malpractice is bound to lose the dressing room.
The former Fulham, Queens Park Rangers and Manchester City striker was backing the referee’s decision…
Wilshire 2nd yellow was stone wall!!!
— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s spelt ‘Wilshere’.
He’s a midfielder, not a boulevard.
The former Norwich City and Coventry City forward was commending Stoke City on his perceived improvement to passing game…
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Are you referring to Utah rockers The Used? If so, you must balance your argument by assessing how good my former team mates at Stoke City are at writing and performing post-hardcore/emo-flavoured rock music.
They’re awful, as it happens, but Andy Wilkinson’s quite good at the ukulele.
The West Bromwich Albion defender had an observation on on-pitch fashion…
Short sleeve shirt with gloves looks rididculous!!
— STEVEN REID (@stevenreid12) November 3, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Not as ridiculous as your spelling, Steven.
Apologies for my somewhat curt responses this week; my desire to nail down a first team place at Wolverhampton Wanderers is something of a preoccupation at the moment. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!