Jermaine Pedant: Elokobi, Bennett, Watson, Duffy, Ansah

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings. Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

George Elokobi

The Nottingham Forest left-back, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers, was delighted with the chant afforded to him by a clearly enamoured City Ground faithful…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Firstly George, congratulations on your win at Peterborough the other night. You’re one of the game’s good guys, so it’s nice to see you doing well. However, you sought in this Tweet to canvas opinion, so I’ll give you mine; basically, that sentence is a mess. If you’re not going to capitalise the first letter of each ‘big’ word in a title, then it’s going to read really rather oddly. “My song he will eat you alive”: to me, this reads like you have a song which somehow will devour us, or perhaps that you meant to write ‘son’ and he’s a bit of a biter.

My second issue is with “it have”; as a rule, these two words should never be seen together unless separated by some manner of punctuation, eg. “I haven’t seen it, have you?” They have, it has. I’m feeling generous so I’ll look past the misspelling of ‘chart’ – unless of course “top of the UK chat” is now a way of saying “the talk of the country”, in which case I apologise unreservedly – and your use of an ellipsis rather than a question mark.

Shane Duffy

The young Everton centre-back incorrectly foresaw a win for Blackburn Rovers against Liverpool on Tuesday night…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Shane, why would Blackburn win tonite? Tonite is after all an explosive consisting of equal parts barium nitrate and guncotton, which suffice it to say would make for a pretty unorthodox prize in any competition. Furthermore, why the bizarre non sequitur in which you profess to having fed a yak? What did you feed it? My curiosity is certainly piqued! Chortle. I’m only messing around, Shane. Just watch those tenses.

Elliott Bennett

The Norwich City midfielder engaged in a spot of light-hearted banter with his good friend, young West Bromwich Albion striker Chris Wood, currently on loan at Bristol City

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I take it you were cut off midway through writing this, Elliott. May I enquire as to what it is that you hope for his well? And why does Chris own a well, anyway? I know us footballers are a well-off bunch, but that seems unnecessarily lavish of him. Not to mention more than a little bit creepy. Never trust a man with a well, my father used to say. They’re hiding something.

Ryan Watson

The young Huddersfield Town midfielder was presumably not talking about real life…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Should have paid attention at school, more like. Chortle!

Zak Ansah

The young Arsenal striker was feeling similarly rueful…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… #ThingsThatFrustrateMe Your spelling.

Right, I best be off; Tony Pulis wants to keep me behind after training to whip crosses on to Robert Huth’s head for a few hours. Newcastle United won’t know what hit ’em. Class dismissed!

Tune in every week for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!

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