Jermaine Pedant: Collymore, Owen, Kazim-Richards, Kamara, Cox

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Michael Owen

The Stoke City new boy hit back at suggestions that he didn’t sign for the Potters until after the transfer window closed as he was angling for a better club…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Firstly, Michael, welcome to Stoke! I look forward to whipping in crosses for you to feed off the scraps of. However, if we are to dovetail satisfactorily then you must first prove your fitness and dedication, not just from a professional perspective but also from a grammatical one. Those ridiculous rumours would then be only so much water under the bridge.

Furthermore, I’m not allowed to drive at the moment, so if you could take me to and from training in your helicopter then I should be most appreciative.

Colin Kazim-Richards

The Blackburn Rovers winger suggested that some folk need to start minding their own business…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Colin, there are a number of definitions for the word ‘truss’, so I’m not entirely surely what you mean by “truss me”. Are you requesting…

a) …that I fashion you into some sort of rigid framework in order to support the roof of a building?

b) …that I wrap you around the waist of a hernia sufferer?

c) …that I gather you into a bundle and pack you as one would luggage?

d) …that I galvanise you and secure you to a mast?

e) …that I bind your limbs and cook you like a chicken?

f) …that I do something to you involving a compact cluster of flowers at the end of a stalk? The mind boggles, does it not?

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Stan Collymore

The talkSPORT presenter and former Nottingham Forest, Liverpool and Aston Villa striker tipped a Southampton starlet for international stardom…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… With all due respect, I must confess my surprise at a talkSPORT presenter using such an archaic turn of phrase as “be hid”; indeed, a cursory google of these two words turns up mostly passages from the Bible. Have you turned to “the good book”, Stanley? In any case, it should be separated somehow from the Lallana clause – a semi-colon would suffice, or even a new sentence – and as “be hid” is a command it should be followed with an exclamation mark.

Predictive text mishaps are avoidable with even a modicum of care, Stanley.

Simon Cox

The Nottingham Forest striker was making his way home after representing the Republic of Ireland in their 4-1 friendly win over Oman…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Once again, the phrase is “en route”; it derives from the French, like “en croute”, “rendezvous” and “faites attention!”. Okay, that last one is not commonly used in English, but it translates as “be careful” and that’s what I’d like you to do from now on. This particular error has come up a few times recently and I fear I may weary of trying to stamp it out.

You might say, Simon, that you made a bit of a faux-pas there. Chortle!

Okay, settle down, class! We’ve more learning to do.

Rohan Ricketts

The former Tottenham Hotspur and Wolverhampton Wanderers midfielder, now at Goan side Dempo, was impressed by Evgeni Konoplienka’s strike against England last night…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Either of “I just saw” or “I’ve just seen” would have been permissible. Don’t think that you can evade my academic gaze by plying your trade in West India!

You can run from correct grammar, but you can’t hide.

Leon Knight

The former Chelsea striker, most recently of Glentoran, was making a Twitter comeback after having his account suspended for a “combination of comments”…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… In what context are you requesting we bare with you? Are we going skinny dipping, or do you wish to conduct a series of mutual medical examinations? If it is your intention to engage me in coitus, I should politely decline on the grounds of my heterosexuality.

To be otherwise oriented, like so many of my academic peers, would bring me great joy, but alas I attended state schools where I’d have been soundly thrashed by my insensitive classmates had I so much as whistled an Elton John song.

I know I’m going on a bit, but please bear with me!

James Wallace

The Tranmere Rovers midfielder hit back at the knockers, as it were…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Their.

Chris Kamara

The jocular Sky Sports personality was giving due credit to Ukraine…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… What concerns me most about so many people’s instinctive inclination to insert an apostrophe into a plural is the total disregard it shows for learning, or even considering why some things might be; in the age of the information superhighway, there’s no excuse for merely guessing at matters of grammar, especially one as downright basic as this.

That you correctly deployed an apostrophe to indicate the possessive in “England’s” is something I’m not prepared to give you credit for, as I can only deduce that you guessed that one too.

Adam Reed

The young Sunderland midfielder was unimpressed with last night’s referee…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… “What a idiot”, indeed. Can anyone tell Adam what he did wrong here?

Right, I hear a helicopter landing outside so I best take my leave. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!

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