Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings. Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Jermaine Pedant says: Firstly, Fabrice, well done for speaking out against the hooligans; we can only hope that the offending individuals are brought to task in a suitable manner. However, from a scholar’s perspective, I simply must simultaneously call you out for your grammar. At the risk of this being construed as being in bad taste, there are so many issues at play here that it seems prudent to present them back to you interwoven into your original missive. Allow me:
Grammatically incorrect Tweets are a disgrace; there was no need for some of the punctuation we used today. The Trotters fans were handheld as usual.
Just having a bit of fun at the end there! Chortle. On a more serious note, “the Trotters fans” could just as easily be “the Trotters’ fans” if you see the fans as belonging to the Trotters, which in a sense they do. “The Trotter’s fan”, as you wrote, would represent a single fan belonging to a singular Trotter, such as Del Boy or Rodney. If you like, I can explain further when we come to the Reebok on the last day of the season.
The Swansea City winger had a smutty observation to share…
Jermaine Pedant says: I don’t know who told you that, Wayne, but whoever it was appears to be under the mistaken impression that legs and fast food somehow constitute a singular. I must say that this tickles me, as legs are inherently plural insomuch as there are generally more than one of them (I accept that this may not always be the case); add fast food into the equation and it’s fair to say that you’ve got yourself a plural there, chum. I shall turn a blind eye to the questionable use of comma after “I was once told”.
Jermaine Pedant says: That should be ‘Sisyphean’. The man can roll a boulder up a hill; he’s no sissy.
The Manchester City defender took a playful swipe at womankind with this…
Jermaine Pedant says: Come on now, Joleon, we’re not in America; it’s ‘mum’, not ‘mom’ (unless of course you’re referring to your man of the match, in which case it should be a capitalised acronym so as not to cause confusion). My second issue is with “driven course”; are you trying to convey that your mother has just come back from a course which she had previously driven? Perhaps a racing track, or even a philosophical metaphor? It strikes me as being abundantly more likely that you meant to say ‘driving course’!
Furthermore, a recent study shows women to be better drivers than men. Food for thought.
The Hull City forward had some words for ITV after they cut short Adele’s Brit Awards speech…
Jermaine Pedant says: Not half as disrespectful as your attitude towards correct spelling, my good man! Don’t let me see this again.
Thinking on, it’s not even consistent. Why didn’t you end the Tweet with #DatsDaDifference?
The Sky Sports News presenter issued an ultimatum…
Jermaine Pedant says: Georgie, you have been brightening up my day ever since you and your lovely smile infiltrated my regular television schedule, so seeing this incorrect use of an apostrophe has weighed heavily on my heart. I beseech you not to make the same mistake again, for I would be a broken man.
Anyway, I must dash; Tony Pulis wants us to cram in a last-ditch eight hours of set piece practice before we take on Valencia in the Europa League tomorrow night. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!
Can you spot any mistakes within Jermaine’s replies? Have your say in the comments section below…