Jermaine Pedant: Barton, Hooiveld, Thomas, Ranger, Vellios, Thorne

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Jermaine Pedant: Barton, Hooiveld, Thomas, Ranger, Vellios, ThorneFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Leon Knight

The much-travelled former Chelsea striker was following developments in the John Terry/Anton Ferdinand race trial…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I remain unconvinced as to the reliability of lip-reading in this particular capacity, but one thing that leaves little room for doubt is correct spelling, Leon! Since you are now without club, you might want to arrange a trial of your own somewhere or other.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You are leaving quite the trail of misspelt trials here. Chortle! I agree with you that the fine is a joke. John Terry once called me a “pernickety rapscallion” on the pitch – I held my tongue then but I feel I must now come forward about the matter.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Leon, a realist is defined as “one who is inclined to literal truth and pragmatism”. Within the confines of your patois I shall assume that what you meant to write was ‘realest’, but even that would be contestable on the grounds that ‘most real’ appears to be the acceptable face of this particular expression. However, I shall accept that ‘realest’ has not been given the red underline treatment upon my writing of it, so I shall afford you this miniscule benefit of doubt. (Intriguingly, ‘miniscule’ has been underlined!)

Apostolos Vellios

Everton’s young Greek centre-forward was celebrating a fine international victory…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This reminds me of Tim Lovejoy’s erstwhile insistence on referring to Leicester City as “…and Leicester” on the Soccer AM televisual strand. That was a mediocre attempt at humour, whereas I suspect you are just wrong here, young Apostolos. Nevertheless, congratulations!

Jos Hooiveld

Southampton’s Dutch centre-back weighed in with a film recommendation…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I think you’ll find that should be The Untou…what’s that? Oh. My producer’s just told me that it is in fact The Intouchables. Can anybody furnish me with contact information for either or both of the film’s directors Olivier Nakache and Éric Toledano? I have quite l’os to pick with them.

George Thorne

The young West Bromwich Albion midfielder was presumably referring to something or other…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You should go too, young George – back to school, that is. Chortle! That was an unnecessarily barbed way of saying that you don’t use an apostrophe to illustrate plurality.

Nile Ranger

Newcastle United’s controversial young forward was in philosophical mood…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Neither does correct grammar, young Nile.

Aaron McCarey

The young Wolverhampton Wanderers goalkeeper was in some discomfort…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Quite aside from the unnecessary lack of spacing and the apostrophe missing from it’s – it’s a contraction of it is, you see, whereas its indicates the possessive – your deployment of to rather than too would seemingly have you trying to convey that Clammy is a mistakenly uncapitalised pronoun to whom or to which you are sending or even dedicating your headache. Too expresses excessiveness, and indeed similarity/solidarity (as in “I have a headache too”), whereas to expresses motion in a particular direction, albeit it has several other uses too. If this is all getting too confusing, try paying a visit to – tell them Jermaine Pedant sent you.

Geoff Thomas

The former Crystal Palace and England midfielder believes himself not to have noticed a rather intriguing-sounding tweet…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Graham Le Soux? Why, surely you mean Graeme Le Saux! Discerning gentleman that he is, I’m sure the former Blackburn Rovers and Chelsea left-back would not be too pleased about this botched spelling of his name. Furthermore, it’s must have, not must of. This is something of a bugbear of mine, but I do thank you for inadvertently prompting me to research the origin of the word ‘bugbear’, for I was hitherto unaware of this.

Joey Barton

The controversial Queens Park Rangers midfielder was in sarcastic mood…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I think you’ll find that should be ‘throne’, Joseph.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Correct.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That should be ‘remain civil’, not ‘remind civil’.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It’s my job, Joseph.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… The division of these two questions into two separate pairs of quotation marks would indicate to me that some manner of internal conversation is taking place here. Are you okay, Joseph?

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… What did you capitalise ‘good’? Perhaps the rarity of good days this summer has opened it up to branding? Chortle!

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It’s far too early for dinner, Joseph, although I do have a keen eye on lunch as the time creeps ever closer to 1pm.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Joseph…come on, hey, Joseph…oh heck, I better deal with this.

Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!

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