Jermaine Pedant: Barton, Gutierrez, Savage, Yennaris, Dorigo

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

James Wallace

The Tranmere Rovers midfielder took a moment to reflect on the unpredictable nature of the beautiful game…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That reads rather like the headline of a news story, indeed rather like the headline of a news story that would appear on this very site. In future if you wish to express incredulity – rather, that is, than announce something that is in any case totally unquantifiable – might I suggest you use some manner of separation punctuation. I would personally accept a comma, hyphen or full colon in this particular instance and setting, though I accept that other academics may view things differently. There’s no need for the hate mail.

That means you, Morten Gamst-Pedantsen. Cut it out!

The exclamation mark is there to indicate a command, not to illustrate the kind of light-heartedness that can be so disruptive in the academic arena.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Nowhere, James. Nowhere sells “yellow die”.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Get out!*

The exclamation mark, once again, is there to indicate a command rather than infer joviality, of which I can muster so little over “fore fills”.

Jonas Gutierrez

The Newcastle United and Argentina midfielder issued a rallying cry…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Is it indeed the case that you intend to face frontwards for the duration of the 2012-13 season, thus compromising your defensive duties, or are you figuratively looking forward to the start of the season? I dare say the likes of Davide Santon and Curtis Good shall be awaiting your response with some trepidation.

Robbie Savage

The media guru supplied a stinging critique of John Toshack after the former Wales boss left his role as Macedonia manager…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… He may be, but you are in no position to criticise given your glaring uncertainty concerning basic homonyms.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… See me.

No exclamation mark here owing to old academic tradition. Superstitious hogwash, I say.

Nico Yennaris

The young Arsenal defender appeared to be indulging in some bizarre speculation…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Why would a celebrated rock band in their late-sixties attend an event put on by a self-proclaimed “Hip Hop Media, Sports & Entertainment destination”? I jest of course. Please use the contraction who’s for informally delivered open questions such as this.

Tony Dorigo

The former Leeds United and England full-back issued an open invite to his followers…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Another Premier League-based grammar consultant might let you get away with that one, but unfortunately for you the it’s/its dichotomy is a major bugbear of mine. Please do some reading up on it. Thank you sincerely for the invite to your Fantasy Football league; I fear however that my insatiable thirst for knowledge shall prove to be prohibitive.

Chris Herd

The young Aston Villa midfielder has a new tattoo…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… How many left arms do you have?

“Left Arms Turn Doggy” would make a splendid title for a ditty of the progressive rock and roll variety, would it not? Chortle! I josh with you, of course.

Joey Barton

The Queens Park Rangers madman knows many nefarious people by the name of Robert…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Read the thing!*

(*This time there is a trace of jocularity.)

Now I must take my leave, for I am this evening to address a roomful of reporters, to wit, pledging my future to Stoke City in the face of mounting interest from Wigan Athletic. I firmly believe this to be the most diplomatic course of action available to me.

Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Jermaine Pedant!

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