Jermaine Pedant: Balotelli, Carroll, Wallace, Eccleston

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Jermaine Pedant: Hazard, Barton, Morris, Huckerby, BlackstockFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Tom Carroll

The young Tottenham Hotspur midfielder was taken aback by news of a (geographically) nearby managerial change…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While Sean did indeed do a good job at Vicarage Road last season – 11th was the Hornets’ highest league finish in four years, I’m led to believe – it is a shame that you couldn’t dignify this relative achievement with the correct past participle.

This isn’t just your problem, Tom, but that of the football community as a whole. “He done this”, “they gone out there” – it simply isn’t cricket, my fellow professionals, and that’s not to be taken literally.

Mario Balotelli

The Manchester City and Italy striker wanted to give something back to his following…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Given that you only recently notched a brace against the might of Germany, I must say I’m surprised by your failure to grasp plurals in our admittedly irregular mother tongue. Thinking on, I have inadvertently illustrated a possible source of confusion with that last sentence – you see, you can score a brace, singular, but it would amount to the same thing as scoring two goals, plural.

However, fans must be counted cumulatively and not as one expanding entity, so stick an S on it, Mario my good man!

Nathan Eccleston

The young Liverpool striker…er…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… To what do you refer? And what would its almost time be? A period of time cordoned off especially for almost doing things? Almost nodding off, perhaps, or lifting a piece of food towards its mouth and then putting it down again?

Chortle! I josh, of course. You see, Nathan, the absence of an apostrophe in it’s makes it into a possessive, whereas I imagine that your intention was to deploy the contracted version of it is. Let me know where you wind up plying your trade next season and I’ll be happy to explain in more detail.

James Wallace

The Tranmere Rovers midfielder approved of his former club Everton’s latest acquisition…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Who or what is the Toffee, and why does it have its own international player? Eh? Eh? Huh?

I’m sorry, class, it’s not been a vintage week for pedantry. Perhaps the great and good of the football world are spending the summer break swatting up on grammar lest my cane come a-rapping on their desks next season. We shall see. Class dismissed!

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