Jermaine Pedant: Luiz, Gardner, van Aanholt, Walker, Boyce, Fernandes

Collections » Jermaine Pedant: Luiz, Gardner, van Aanholt, Walker, Boyce, Fernandes

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Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings. Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Craig Gardner

The Sunderland midfielder was delighted with his side’s performance in securing an opening day point at Arsenal

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… The quality or state of buzzing should never be allowed to impact upon basic grammar, Craig. I’m a fan of your long-range shooting, less so of your apparent inability to differentiate between ‘of’ and ‘off’, and ‘there’ and ‘their’. I am choosing to overlook your chosen “text lingo” contractions on the assumption that they freed you up to practise your thirty-yard piledrivers.

Patrick van Aanholt

The Chelsea youngster, on loan at Vitesse Arnhem, was congratulating his parent club on their Premier League win over Reading

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… See me.

David Luiz

Chelsea’s Brazilian defender was keeping his followers abreast of his whereabouts…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says…

In the training ground, or on it? As tempting as it is to speculate as to the numerous comic happenstances that may have led to your being lodged in the aforementioned turf – my favourite of which includes an hilariously backfiring Acme device that pummels you over the head and down into the ground like a tent peg – I shall limit myself to wryly acknowledging this latest challenge facing you and bid you good day. You should know that I permitted myself a chortle at the afore-described imagery, and I await your next whacky adventure with no little glee.

Emmerson Boyce

The Wigan Athletic defender was excited to be welcoming in a new campaign…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This one’s a little out of date, granted, but I simply could not allow this affront to basic homonyms to pass by unnoticed. Emmerson, your Latics side appear to have picked up from where they left off last season, and I can only urge you to strive to match this improved form with a more comprehensive grasp of the mother tongue. I shall be at the DW Stadium this weekend with my Stoke City team mates so feel free to come over for a chat if you’re still unsure about anything.

Tony Fernandes

The Queens Park Rangers owner remained bullish in the wake of his side’s 5-0 opening day defeat at home to Swansea City

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Not the best academics though, evidently. Let’s see some appropriate punctuation on those rhetorical questions next time.

Kyle Walker

The Tottenham Hotspur right-back was miscalculating…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… There are only twenty words on that picture, Kyle.

Now I must take my leave for, suffice it to say, Tony Pulis is somewhat less than delighted with those of us who were in the team that got unceremoniously dumped out of the League Cup by Swindon Town at the Britannia Stadium last night. Extra training all round, I fear.

Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Jermaine Pedant!

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